I can hear her, and my cousin. Oh god Thank You for letting him be with her, otherwise I wouldn’t have heard them talking coming towards my room. I shoved him into the bathroom and kicked my underwear out of the way. They banged on the door, the cop mouths ‘Get rid of them’ – ‘I can’t!’, I mouth back, ‘they won’t take no for an answer’. See despite my aversion to weddings, I actually like my family. I particularly like this side of the family. And even more surprising, I’m a popular member, for all my crankiness, I’m pretty good craic. So I declare that I’m just shoving my dress back on – can’t make it too easy on myself, and I let them in. My cousin, quite rightly, asks why was I naked, I tell him there’s a corset in the dress and I needed a breather, my sister concurs like this is perfectly natural. We have some chats, they take a look round my room. I’m about to strain something with the giggles I’m holding in. We chat about the speeches, mention how good the food was and then my sister says she needs to fix her makeup – she’ll just be a second. I can see The Cop peering out at me from the crack in the door, composure gone for the first time! I tell her that her lipstick is horrible and let’s go get my other sister, she has a nicer colour that will suit her better. And practically strong arm her out of the room.
Bullet one, dodged.
Excitement and frustration levels up to a point of insanity.
This couldn’t be going any better if I dreamed it.
So I go back down stairs, mingle – fuck it, I’ve no idea what I did. I just know I was back in that room in less than 30 minutes. Exploding through the door with the enthusiasm of a kid who just won a medal. ‘Oh my god, can you believe that shit! Can you believe we got away with that!’ I am practically singing, and I launch myself at him and throw my arms around him, kissing him. ‘Yeah’ he agrees, actually sounding excited and relieved too, ‘I thought the game was up when she headed for the bathroom, I can’t believe you talked her out of it with that line, I nearly just walked out!’ ‘I told you this wouldn’t be easy’ I trill. The role play is over for now, I want to kiss him and have him and neither of us wants to wait.
Have I used the word exquisite already? Well it was. I was allowed to have everything. And I got everything. He ate me expertly, then put his whole hand in me again and made me come. He finally gave me his cock in my mouth – fuck I love that.
The bed was the perfect height for me to be on all fours with him fucking me from behind with my face buried in a pillow, biting it so as to stifle the noise. And then I heard him spit on his fingers as he circled them around my asshole. I knew what was coming but I love it when he gives me a running commentary: ‘Do you know what I’m doing?’ I made some noise, conveyed that I did. ‘And do you want it?’ I did. He pushed a thumb into my ass and fucked me at the same time. He took his thumb out and I complained, but he just lubed me up with more spit and put two fingers deep into me. Then said ‘I’m rubbing the head of my cock with these two fingers in your ass’. I just pushed harder down onto him. This was exactly what I wanted. He’d somehow found the ‘All New & Revised – Abbi Handbook’ and read it cover to cover.
I know we had more sex because there were condoms and wrappers all over the floor when my phone rang. How long had I been missing? It was my other sister. I answered not thinking that she was so close by. ‘Abbi! Where the feck are you? Everyone’s been asking for you?’ Insert some lame answer here, not about a dress, she’s too savvy for that. ‘Ok, well? Hurry up, you should get back downstairs, and, where’s your room, in relation to mine, I’m just in the corridor’. Oh fuck?
Fair play to the Cop, he’s half dressed at this stage.
On the spot, with her waiting for me to give her directions, I’m amazed that I think of this, I tell her to come up the stairs and my room is to the right. The stairs splits in two and there is a suite either side. I know I’ve sent her the wrong way but it has bought me about 15 seconds. Just enough time to right myself and collect the condom wrappers.
Does the room stink of sex? I don’t know I have to let her in.
I open the door and see her across the stairwell about to bang on the wrong door. ‘What the hell?’ she says, ‘I thought you said right?’ ‘Sorry, it’s my right as you look down the stairs, from um, where .. I’m standing’. This is not my best work, I can concede. But let’s all remember that I’ve had a lot of Prosecco and my senses have been dulled by the mind blowing sex. I’d like to see any of you do better. So delighted was I with myself, maybe I wanted to get caught?
In she comes and bounces on the bed, more proclamations that my allocated room is lovely, if a little small. (The consequences of being an outwardly single girl at a wedding – you never get the good room) We declare some sartorial winners and losers, mostly winners, we’re pretty nice, and the obligatory ‘Can you believe that tool of a man is here’ – yes I can, I was put sitting too close to him. She eyes me suspiciously, lying resplendently on the bed, she raises herself up onto her elbows and says ‘What’s up with you, what’s going on?’ Nothing, I reply, go on down I’m just gonna fix my make-up. ‘Oh no way’, she declares, ‘you’re gonna come back down with me. I just gotta pee first’.
‘Oh, there’s a boy in here’
‘Abbi? Eh, who’s this in your bathroom?’. Then ensues some of the worst lying I’ve ever tried to pass off. The game is up this time. My bullet dodging ability has passed.
And this is when I’m so glad that I took the time to make up a back story the week leading up to it. She buys it, but she’s not letting us stay in the room. She marches us down. I think she finds it funny that I’ve picked someone up/got picked up by a randomer at my cousin’s wedding. I think she thinks everyone else is going to find this funny too? I don’t agree.
In our effort to slip in, have a drink and then get back to the room we run into, in this order: The Bride, the Father of the Bride, the Bride’s brother, the mother of the bride, my aunt – who gives me a knowing look and walks off with a dirty laugh, she knows well, my other sister and my brother in law.
This is not what I wanted. I can’t tell what he wanted I’m out of my mind at this point with the tension. I can’t tell what he’s thinking, I can barely look at him. I’m trying to brazen this out. So I get some shots. Seems the only thing to do. The Cop’s not drinking, never something that would sit well with me, I hate being the drunk one, but he had to be up the next morning at 7, I took what I could get.
He gets cornered by my brother in law, a cool guy actually, and they seem deep in conversation so I turn to my cousins and start chatting, read: do more shots, the ball was rolling at this point. Then my sister beckons me on to the dance floor and I want to go? And I do, I join her on the floor. This is not how this is supposed to play out? I don’t like weddings, I want to be amusing myself upstairs, don’t I?
I get back to the Cop who tells me I should go and dance with everyone. That I should ‘be’ at this wedding for a while, that he’ll be waiting upstairs for me, whenever I’m done.
I’m a little incredulous but this is what I was promised.
I might like him.
I think everyone thinks he’s left. I sing, I dance, I talk rubbish, I reminisce. I have a good time.
And at around 4:30 I call it a night. I’m wrecked, but I’m not spent.
I say good night, I don’t just slink off. I’m very polite this time. And I head upstairs.
Oh God, please let him have meant it, please let him still want me to wake him for sex.
Lights are off, I think he’s asleep. I slip in to the bathroom to take this dress off, I want proper sex now, with access to everywhere, his hands on all of me. But the dress really does have a corset inside it. In the form of 16 hooks and eyes, like opening 8 bras. It takes me well over 7 hours, or so it seems, to get the fecking thing off. I know I’m whimpering, I know I’m making noise I just hope he doesn’t come in to find me contorted like this.
FINALLY! I shake off the shackles and fling it away. I slide in beside him and he reaches for me, surprised to find me completely naked, with all my skin against him. He is granite solid in seconds, true to his word.
I can’t describe how flattering that is.
I don’t know what we did, but I remember him reaching for the light and flicking it on first go then making an appreciative noise, may I suggest that this should always be the case? And the other thing I remember is that I needed to bite the pillow for most of it. I could have screamed that castle right down.
I suspect he got about 1 hour of sleep, can’t have been more? before he had to get up and go.
And I cannot be more impressed with him.