Hey ladies, here’s the Good news –

So this week I’ve managed to talk someone into writing a piece for me. We’re going to call him Bonsai Poseur for reasons that are probably only amusing to me (he owns a bonsai, and he’s admitted he’s a bit of a poseur – a forthright admission that endeared him to me even more. My estimation of people tends to go up when they don’t take themsleves serisouly, so fair play)

Anyway, I asked, he said he would and I never thought I would get something so good but I’m glad my pushy request paid off.

Now while I would question some of what he says, I think the overall message is something that girls really need to hear (I won’t spoil the ending). I hope you like it, because that would mean I can coerce him into writing more and at another point I can sit on my laurels for a week, posting more boob pics on Twitter. Everyone wins!

(If you missed it, last Saturday was ALL Boob Saturday on my Twitter page Abbi Cranky @OCDCrankypants)




Over the years in my many, many conversations with women about sex, the one question I get asked more than any other is this: What makes a woman good in bed? Or more to the point, what makes a woman bad in bed!
It’s pretty much the same question except that when women overhear men discussing such things, or when such things are brought up in discussion, it’s usually ‘what made her so bad in bed?’ rather than ‘what made her so good in bed?’

Firstly, a little bit about myself. I’m in my mid-thirties. For the most part I’m just an average guy. Slightly below the average height for a man, but slightly above on the attractiveness scale (if I do say so myself). My penis? Look up the average length and girth online, add a little bit and that’s mine. There are some things in life, sexual, physical, mental, what have you, where I’m way above average. And probably for the sake of balance, there are things I’m below average on, also. But you won’t hear me going on about those. I drink less than the average man, but read more books than average. I like football more than the average man, but talk (get angry) about it far less than average. I have no interest in cars or what mileage they do to the gallon, but I’ll happily perv on a cute ass or pert nipples on succulent breasts through a thin shirt on a cold day along with every other guy. So, it’s safe to say, for the most part, I’m your average guy.

I remember a conversation I had with a female ‘friend’ not so long ago. We were discussing our sexual partners and such over a pint or three. The topic had somehow meandered to ‘who was your best and who was your worst.’ Now, I know one of those answers straight off the top of my head. As for who was my worst, well that took some thinking and I listed off a handful of names, when I fucked them and under what situation i.e: girlfriends, one night stands, how old I was when I fucked them and so on. And the more I listed them off, the more I found that other names kept getting added to the list. I found that I could have recalled anything up to twenty women who I would have considered bad in bed. My friend started laughing and asked me did I ever fuck anyone I actually enjoyed fucking? Truth is, even the ones who were bad were still okay.
Then my friend took more of a serious tone and asked me, ‘well what was wrong with these women that made the sex so bad?’ I knew the answer but didn’t actually know if she’d believe me because to me, it’s so startlingly simple. Instead, she interjected with a knowing smile and said ‘let me see if I can guess.’ I was happy to play the game.
‘They just lay there.’ Some of them did, some of them didn’t.
‘They were too quiet. The silent ones,’ and she laughed. Some were quieter than others and some were louder.
‘They were shit at sucking cock. Or didn’t suck cock at all.’ It was true, some didn’t suck cock and some were poor at it. But not all of them.
‘They didn’t want you going down on them?’ She asked this knowing how much I love eating pussy. But no, almost all of them had no issue with me getting my head between their legs. Although a small few didn’t let me. (One thing I’ll never understand by the way.)
‘Hmmm I don’t know. Too passive? Too aggressive? Not kinky enough? Big ol’ loose cunt on them? What???’ She was now a bit confused. Some were passive, some were aggressive. Some were even kinkier than what suits my own tastes and yes, some pussies were tighter than others but that wasn’t it.
But let me change tack here for a moment and talk about some common myths that surface when it comes to good and bad sex from a man’s perspective.
Men love older women because they know what they’re doing and/or know what they want. Having been with my fair share of ‘older’ women through various stages of my life, there is only a tiny grain of truth to that. Christ, the older I get now, the conversation seems to be more turned towards ‘riding a young one’. So I would say no, older (or younger, depending on your age) does not necessarily constitute better sex.
The ‘sluttier’ a woman dresses, the better she’ll be in bed. Okay, ladies believe it or not, this is actually something that some men believe to be true. As if how you dress signifies your willingness to have sex or how wild or kinky you are in bed. I don’t really believe that men truly believe this, but often a comment I will hear (and might have uttered myself) when a scantily dressed lady walks past me and my mates table when we’re out is ‘Jesus, the body on that. Bet she’s a whure in the sack.’ And of course by the word ‘whure’ we mean dirty, kinky, wild, no holds barred kinda thing. This however, is also a false proposition. Having on occasion pulled such a woman on a night out, the results are 50/50 when it comes to whether they were the ‘whure’ I was expecting or not.
The last one I want to mention is based on attractiveness. I had a friend once, many years ago, who when we went out for a night, he would always go for the larger lady. His rule was simple: If when he hugged her, his hands met, then she wasn’t large enough. He was under the illusion that ‘fat birds’ don’t get much sex so when they do, they’d ride you into the floor and leave nothing behind except a stump where your cock used to be. Now I can’t say how true that is or not because I’m not attracted to larger ladies myself, but he swore by it. However, I know now that he’s married, to a rather slim lady so maybe he was fibbing all along.
One thing I can testify to however is this. I’m somewhere between a 7 and an 8 on the looks scale. I know it’s all relative and to do with perspective (someone might look at me and see a 7, someone else would see a 10) but if we play it based on standard models of what’s regarded as ‘hot’ I’ll say I’m 7.5. Over the years I have managed to pull a few 10’s. Women that could have been glamour models. Slim bodies, large breasts, round ass, soft skin and the face of an angel. More than half of these ladies have not been very good in bed. There is a real arrogance to them that comes across in such a way that says ‘hey, I know how hot I am, and you know how hot I am and you’re damn lucky to have me here in your bed, naked.’ It’s almost as if they see themselves as a prize and they are there to be fucked, but give nothing in return. Now, that’s not all ‘hot’ women. I don’t want to sound unfair, but just going from experience, more than half of the ‘hot’ ones were terrible in bed due to their own arrogance. So, if you’re one of those ‘hot’ ones, remember, just you being there with all your hotness does not mean diddly shit if you don’t put your back into! Okay, I’m being a bit pedantic there but you get my point.
However, that in and of itself is not what makes a woman bad in bed.
To finally show that, let me tell you about the best sex I ever had.
I will be brutally honest here so as to leave you in doubt as to what I mean. This woman’s body was nothing to write home about. No, she wasn’t unattractive, of course not. But there were little folds of fat around her stomach, her breasts sagged slightly, she never waxed her pussy (which is something I fucking love by the way. The pussy being waxed that is), she was up there with one of the worst blowjobs of my entire life and she almost never initiated sex. Confused? I would be too. Until I fucked her. We went out for quite a while in fact.
When we had sex she lost herself completely. It was almost as if she lost all idea of who she was and where she was, and god help my ego, but even forgot who she was fucking. Me! When we weren’t having sex she was incredibly conscious of her body. Quite often she would cover up coming out of the shower and I always could tell how uncomfortable she was getting changed in front of me. But during sex! My god! It was like a different person. I can still remember her on top of me, her hands grabbing my ankles as she lay back and ground her pussy slowly back and forth along my cock. Forgetting her slightly saggy breasts and slightly rotund stomach. Her eyes closed and her face a mask of pure pleasure. I can still see her stomach tighten and clench and feel her legs shake as her orgasm ripped through her. Watching her face as it contorted itself into all manner of expressions and shapes. The way she would cry out and fall down on top of me, her body drenched in sweat and shaking with pleasure, my cock still inside her and feeling her pussy tighten with each orgasmic spasm that ripped through her body. I can see her face now, aggressive and animalistic, almost feral, as she slowly started to fuck me again. Getting faster, her face becoming almost angry as she bore down on me with such force and intensity, her hunger for another orgasm, her greed for it, overtook everything else.
This is why she is the best I’ve ever had. Oh sure, I’ve had lots of great sex with other women too. Mostly for the same reason. Their complete willingness to forget themselves for the length of time we are fucking. Their absolute inability to do anything other than just be in the moment.
And this is also what makes a woman bad in bed. Regardless of how hot you are, regardless of your technique (although I will say, when you’re on top ladies, you’re not riding a horse. Forget this hoping up and down craic. Grind on that cock for fuck sake!!!!) or how good you can suck cock or how kinky you are, if you are too aware of yourself, then you can’t fully invest yourself in it. And that is what constitutes bad sex. Some women can do this partially, some not at all. The more you can fully invest yourself in the moment, the better then man will enjoy everything. And I fully assume vice versa to be true too.
Some examples. I have often been with women where I can see and sense their uncomfortableness with regards to their bodies. They won’t let you put their legs over their head because their belly will crumple up. They might get on top but will lean forward so the man can’t fully see their body. Let me make one thing very clear. If a guy is in bed with you, HE’S NOT LOOKING FOR FLAWS! I can absolutely guarantee it. And if he should see any, he’s not going to mind one iota if you can fuck him like he doesn’t even exist. There is no greater thing in this world than to see a woman completely in the moment of pure pleasure. It is the single greatest thing I have ever seen or experienced and it is without a doubt the difference between bad, okay, good and great sex.
Worse still however, is women who have watched too much porn and are trying too hard to be seductive. I’m sure there are plenty of people reading this who know what I mean. I’m not saying you’re acting, but you’re not being yourself. You’re being an idea that you think the man wants and although your heart is in the right place, we can spot it a mile away. Be yourself. Let yourself go and just BE in the moment.
However, one final thought. No matter how in the moment you are, and how free and wild you let yourself go, if the lights are turned out then it doesn’t count. It’s easy to be yourself when the man can’t see your supposed ‘flaws’. Men are visual creatures, so leave the lights on, forget he’s even there and I promise you, he’ll remember you.

Oh and one final note. I’m not saying disregard technique in kissing, oral sex, or in intercourse or in any other form of foreplay: massage, role playing, sexting and all the other million ways we have to turn each other on. These are, of course, still things that are wonderfully and amazingly erotic and pleasurable. Still pay attention and be open and communicate with your man about what you both like and don’t like. But remember, good sex is not what you can do, but what you are.

Now go forth, put aside your doubts and worries about how you look with your legs back over your head, or how unattractive you think your cum face is. Trust me, if you give yourself over to the sexual experience he will not see one flaw or one thing that is remotely unattractive in you. I promise.




While I will always strive to believe that any boy I’m with is not actually sleeping with me simply to find and mock my many physical flaws, I think this is something that is very hard for girls to overcome. We’re bombarded day in day out from the time we can read with notions that anything less than perfect is not good enough. It takes an unrealistically steely resolve to not have any of those punches land. Just letting ourselves go is easier said than done.

But we could do with being reminded that boys aren’t are harshesr critic, every now and again. Cheers Bonsai.

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