Me & Vanilla Sex: the modern Madonna Whore Complex

As usual I was having a conversation about sex with a boy. We were talking about the most exciting sex or having a very fulfilling sex life – but how that rarely tied in with a fulfilling relationship. I hate this notion. I hate the idea that the two are mutually exclusive. How did that ever come to pass?
This boy offered up a theory: that maybe girls only offered up the vanilla sex because they were afraid of being labelled; seen as someone that you don’t go out with, not girlfriend material. Labouring under the notion that boys only marry or settle down or build a life with a certain type of girl. And this type of girl is not the filthy, dirty, sexually open kind. And I think he might just be right.
There’s a vicious circle of self-fulfilling notions here: boys judge girls for being liberal and so girls then stop showing their dirtier sides. And the result is nobody is happy. Or at least there’s a large proportion of unsatisfied people out there.
Ok, that’s a massive sweeping generalisation there. But I think there might be real weight to it all the same. Ok, some boys judge girls and deem them unworthy and some girls risk a fantastic sex life for fear of being labelled, but that idea is massively present in today’s culture so much so I think it’s having an overall effect. Girls are judged more harshly than boys for the very same behaviour or tastes. And boys do purport to feel like they should settle with the safe girl. I can think of several examples of people in my own life.
I think it might just be as simple as that.

I can’t talk for everyone or every girl. But I know my own experiences and I know full well how I’ve been labelled, categorised and judged. I know I’ve gone out with people and I’ve hidden parts of myself, hidden my sexuality – not all of it, just hidden what I may have gotten up to in the past. I’m not proud of it (the withholding of info) and with the 20/20 vision that comes with hindsight; I can now see that I was on a hiding to nothing if I couldn’t let this guy see who I really was.
But before you run off and judge me, put away your wagging fingers for a second and let’s consider the alternative? I could just choose not to tell him what I had or hadn’t tried in the past (that was his issue, he hated feeling that I was more experienced than him) and in return I got to have a pretty great relationship?
OK, I didn’t like it, it didn’t make for me being very open about suggesting things to do or try – but again I can see all that from this position of hindsight clarity. At the time I was of the opinion that if I didn’t upset him and never suggested anything, just hoped that he’d come up with stuff I liked, that it would all be ok. Of course it wasn’t, I was mostly happy to do what he suggested but I had to always pretend I hadn’t done it before. Which didn’t work out well when it was something I wasn’t keen on doing again and had to explain why. And this created its own self propelling nightmare: I get caught out having lied that I’d already tried something, he gets upset that I lied, and feels (unjustifiably) inferior because again he feels I’ve had more sexual experiences than him. Which has the knock on effect that I just don’t want to upset him so I lie even more and become more wary of suggesting anything new. And on it went.
So why did I put up with this? For the very same reason I think anyone out there is accepting any issue with their sex life that they’re not happy with; because we had a great relationship otherwise. Because I loved him and I was sure he loved me too.
Now from my experience no one is going to give up love, real actual love, because they’ve had to compromise a little somewhere else.

But how much compromise is too much? When are you just not being at all true to your real self and when are you making a measured compromise that is worth it?
I can’t answer that for you, that’s something I think you need to weigh up for yourself. But what I will say is this; apart from my hiding what I did in my past, I was having great sex. Up until that point, this guy was the best sex of my life. He wanted it as much as me, he was always ready, would drop everything to have sex with me – he openly encouraged my gropey side and was never fazed by my salaciousness. I felt that was worth the sacrifice. I didn’t notice or realise that it was actually stifling me. Not being able to say what I had done in the past for fear of upsetting him, always wondering was I going to trip myself up… it was a major contributing factor to why we broke up in the end.

Ok, that’s not exactly the same as someone accepting/settling for vanilla sex when they’re craving excitement and filth – and accepting it just because they think ‘good’ girls are who you go out with. But it ismy experience of me hiding who I am for the sake of a relationship. I generally don’t hide who I am, I want to be with someone who is into what I’m into and I want to give a partner the same. If that scares you or intimidates you – where does that leave us?
I am very tired of hearing boys say that girls are repressed and only want the vanilla sex – well from the other side I can tell you my experience of proffering an alternative hasn’t always been positive.
Whatever you think of me, my whole life is not about sex, I’m not walking around all day in a g-string and hooker boots (again, unless asked) – I am just a girl. If you manage to be lucky enough to get me into bed more than once, then you will see a bit more of the Abbi side of me. I am very average and non-threatening, mostly. But I do want the sex and I’m very tired of hiding this just so I allegedly don’t scare a guy off. I’m very tired of pretending to not want the sex because I’ll be labelled ‘easy’ and not someone you go out with. I’m very wary of showing just how dirty I want it for fear of all of the above. Just because I want dirty, filthy, nasty sex, because I want it hard and I want it often does not mean that I can’t ever be girlfriend material. But that has been how I think I’ve been deemed on a number of occasions.
And this is why I am currently single. *And mostly satisfied with that.
I refuse to pretend to be someone I’m not and if this scares you then you’re not the (temporary or otherwise) boy for me. If you want to judge me for it, then you’re not the boy for me. If you want to think that you can have sex with me on the side and go home to your safe girlfriend then you are not the boy for me.

Yes, sex is hugely important to me. I believe good sex is the cornerstone to a great relationship; it’s how you build intimacy. I believe. I think you can have mind blowing sex with someone who you have a mind blowing relationship with. I’m not saying there has to be earth shattering sex every, single, time but there needs to be real electricity and a genuine wanton desire for each other. At least that passion at the very start. At least start at that point? And I will always hold out for that. I will be losing no more sleep about any boy who wants to judge me, sleep with me and then decide I was too easy. Or indeed any boy who thinks I’m a whore because of the things I want him to do to me.
Those days are passed.
So why am I ranting about it like I’ve just discovered the Madonna Whore Complex for the first time? I get enough sex (total lie, it’s never enough) I get more than my share of attention? I’m ranting because it makes me sad that this is still the way of the world. That there are girls and guys out there not getting the sex that they both want and for ridiculous reasons.
And shamefully….. because I know there were boys not giving me a chance because they had me filed under ‘not girlfriend material’, while my rational mind knows I shouldn’t care and my historical mind remembers that it doesn’t work out with a guy who would judge me – I can’t help it, sometimes it still bothers me. As much as I want to be a robot, I’m not, I’m sadly susceptible to human emotions on rare occasions.

So I’m not judging anyone for the choices they make or the relationships they choose to be in. I can’t promise that I won’t be tempted into once again tempering myself for a boy I lust after desperately. But I would urge us all to be maybe a bit brave? Suggest something, reveal something. It might work out in your favour. And to not waste anyone’s time if you don’t want to be in that relationship.

I mean really, is it too much to ask for to find a boy who is an absolute whore for me so I can return the favour? (Insert filthy smile here)

 

 

 

 

 

*Nobody’s sex life is perfect, shockingly, not even mine.

But I promise to let you know when it is x

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