Sometimes I can’t believe how long it takes me to figure out things. I’ve gotten to this age and I haven’t managed to get some very basics understood. It has taken me until this very year to fully get this simple principle (described below)
I’m the second child of four. There were 6 of us and a dog that loved getting knocked down, all in the one house; basically everyone’s need seemed to be greater and I suppose I just got used to not having general requests met at a young age. I’m not implying I was neglected, not even remotely, I’m just saying I learned not to bother people unless it was important and even then that there was probably someone whose problem would trump mine. On the plus side it was probably this that has made me the pretty self-sufficient person that I am. I don’t think I could ever be described as high maintenance.
(High standards, Bitchy, demanding and exacting, lazy, uncompromising plus loads of other terrible things – but not high maintenance)
But on the down side… I think it was growing up like that that has probably stopped me asking for very basic things that I really should ask for. Things that maybe people would like if I requested it of them?
Not terribly long ago I was with a great partner, we were in the middle of things when I knew what I wanted next – that doesn’t often happen – and I started to say it, but I couldn’t get the words out.
It happens all the time, I might get as far as ‘I want..’ or ‘I think I’d like…’ or ‘I’d love you to….’ And then I stop, I’m not physically able to finish the sentence, I catch myself.
And I’ve only twice (I think?) ever outright asked anyone to eat me. I don’t know why that’s the hardest one to ask for but it just is? Maybe because it just feels a bit selfish? I’ll happily ask you to fuck me but that feels like I’m giving as well as getting so that has always been ok.
But this time, in this bed with this guy? All I wanted was for him to make me come with his fingers. It’s not a huge ask, it’s not an outrageous demand. But I couldn’t say it; I couldn’t ask him to please keep kissing me but to slip his hands between my legs and make me come, just with his fingers.
I can direct, I can imply, I can certainly do to him what I’d like in return in the hopes of getting the thing I want – but just asking someone? Nope. Can’t do it.
I started to say it, because I do always (these days) try my hardest to ask, and I do try to address this issue. So I got half the words out and he caught me, I started so he made me finish. I got shy, I think I hid my face, probably turned away and pulled his arm over me so that he was spooning me – anything so that I wasn’t being looked at directly. But he squeezed me and coaxed it out of me, beautifully.
And of course this was something he could do, would be happy to do was sure he could do, and do well.
So he adjusted his position so that I was half underneath him perfectly aligned so that he could kiss me or keep his lips out of reach and make me reach for them, as he deftly, gently, steadily moved his fingers expertly around my clit. It was more than I could have hoped for. He teased it out of me and consequently I had one of the most perfect orgasms ever. I sometimes (read: a lot of the time) have to focus, focus really hard and concentrate to make it happen – not this time. This was going to happen without me doing anything, without me willing it to. It was just going to build, wash and crash all through me. With no input from me at all, I had no control over it. These are the very best of all the orgasms, which to be fair are all pretty fantastic.
So I came spectacularly and he got to watch as I writhed in his arms. Got to watch the results of his handiwork. That had to have been a sight to behold, it was such a perfect example of an all consuming climax.
Now I’m not just saying this about me, because I have no idea what I look like when I come, but I do know how great it is to look at someone coming, knowing that I did it. Knowing that it was all down to me –it is such a turn on. (Which is the only down side to blow jobs; as soon as I’ve made him come I just want to climb right on, it’s such a shame.)
And he was not one to miss a trick and was not unaware of how I love to be fucked straight after I come. He had the condom on and was in me before I knew what was happening. Because it must have been a turn on for him, how could it not have been? He had just made me scream in ecstasy, and if making your partner scream in ecstasy is not a cock stiffener for you then you might be doing sex wrong or at least missing some point.
But I was missing the point wasn’t I.
I love it when a partner asks me to do something, I love giving them what they want, I love being able to. So why was I thinking that someone wouldn’t want to do that for me? Sure, I was the one getting to climax but it’s not like he wouldn’t be getting something out of it too? Why would I think that someone wouldn’t want what I wanted myself; to be asked?
I don’t have an answer. Except to say that I just habitually find it hard to ask for things but I am getting better.
I do hope one day that I have a partner that I will happily beg to eat me.