The Problem with the World Right Now (or maybe it’s just me)

The Fault in Our Stars – have you seen this movie? Jesus what a pile of shite. While I was on holidays with the BFF I was uncharacteristically accommodating about what movies we watched on our down time. She has that power over me, and I suck up my under-breath mutterings and sighs as much as I can. So that is how I came to be watching a film I knew from the outset that I would hate.
But oh my god was it way worse than even I could imagine, and I have a huge capacity for imagination when it comes to things I believe I will hate.



Where to start? Ok a quick synopsis in case you’ve been living under your bed with no access to any media, social or otherwise (you’d actually be better off where this film is concerned) anyway: Ok two young teenagers are riddled with cancer. He’s gorgeous and she’s some sort of pseudo-intellectual – who incidentally has no friends. Her mom forces her to go to a help/discussion group and that’s where she meets our hero. Now she starts off endearing herself to me by shooting down Hero Pretty-boy’s ridiculous notions of affirmation or some such nonsense. Kind of darkly and in a realistic way, I liked this, got lulled into a momentary false sense of thinking this may not be absolute brain glue. I relaxed my cynicism way too soon.



So they develop this unfathomable friendship where they are all but girlfriend and boyfriend – ‘all but’ being that there’s no sex, no kissing, nothing. She knows that he’s mad about her, he openly tells her. So let’s stop there and just pull that apart for a second.
She makes no bones about the fact that she’s dying (it’s incurable, of course it is it’s a movie) let’s not sugar coat it she says. And she claims that she wants to do all she can before she pops her clogs. She’s been sick and kind of cossetted since she was 13 – there’s no way she wasn’t literally dying to kiss a boy, any boy! Not to mention a super-hot hero boy? And if she was so determined to experience everything before she died why wasn’t she grabbing this huge and obvious rite of passage with both hands and shifting the face off this young fella???
Just doesn’t seem realistic to me. The lame explanation that she gives is that she doesn’t want to hurt him…? HE’S DYING ANYWAY?? (Oh god, I was just a little cliché-sick in my mouth)



So what happens is that he hangs around being awesome as she goes ahead and takes all he has to offer ALL ON HER TERMS. While he valiantly accepts this argument from her and continues to hang around being more charming and more awesome; waiting for her to realise that she really does in fact, love him back. (spoiler alert, she does)

Now again here is my problem with this. This fucking drivel is aimed at teenagers, this book is god damned everywhere. Look around you it’s the new Twilight. This, in case you need a sign post is not a good thing. It’s not good for teenage girls, it’s not good for teenage boys and that means it’s not good for society. Why, I hear nobody ask, please tell us Abbi.
Ok I will.
This is setting everyone up for a fall. It’s once a-fecking-cliché-gain telling girls that they have to hold out. It’s telling them that if he’s good enough for you or worthy of your time (and of course you should only be spending time with those kinds of boys, god forbid that you ever make a mistake and hang out with the wrong boy for a while), but if he’s the right type of boy? Then he will sit around waiting for you until he has proven himself. That any good, decent type will know straight away that you’re the one and that you are worth the wait, just praying on the day that you decide to bestow a bit of affection on him. Fuck off!
And it manages in one fell swoop to set ALL teenage boys up to fail in the eyes of teenage girls. Ok, not all of them, I’m sure there’s a few beautiful heroes out there who are wise beyond their years. But in the most, no one can live up to that standard because no one is that perfect and noble and good. No one.

This whole notion irks me beyond belief. Girls are not some precious thing that needs to be won. Boys shouldn’t have to prove themselves in order to get close to them. Selling this as a premise to live by or any kind of standard is just so detrimentally harmful I think. We are all just humans trying to get by. And a teenage girl is just as horny as a teenage boy – I promise you. Just as curious and just as vindictive. We are the same.
I really loathe the notion that we’re different and that different rules apply, because I don’t think they do.

But let’s look at it another way. What if the roles were reversed? What if she was hanging around waiting for him to figure out that he loved her? Then she wouldn’t be a hero, with an admirable steely determination that one day her prince will realise he loves her. No, she’d be a sap. And that drives me nuts too. There’s no equality in it. But I suppose at its core I hate the thought of anyone abstaining for ludicrous reasons and books/films like this one perpetuate this notion.
I’m not saying that you have to sleep with everyone that you meet. Or even anyone you casually fancy, of course I’m not. I’m saying that holding up abstinence as some virtue above all others is preposterous, and not at all noble. It’s selling the tenet (particularly to teenagers) that waiting and holding out are covetable features, and sure, they are a bit. But what if you’re a super horny teenager with raging hormones and you can’t relate to this? Which I think most are. Well then you just feel like you’re not good enough and that you are somehow lacking in moral fibre because you can’t stop thinking about what you want boys to do to you….

Of course I know because I was that super horny teenager. And I did so much of the holding out and absolutely hating it. Thinking there was something wrong with me. And I can assure you (if it turns out that you need it?) that I am not lacking in moral fibre. I’m not sure what your barometers are but here’s a few classics: I’ve never been arrested, I don’t rob from people, I’m not a racist or a homophobe and I don’t fuck people over. I am pretty sure my mom likes me. Just because I want to have sex, have had a lot of sex, doesn’t diminish my moral worth.
And neither does it diminish my sexual worth either – it doesn’t matter how many people I’ve been with, that has no bearing on how I’ll approach the next partner or what connection we might have. It doesn’t detract anything from what I could bring, I’ll still be capable of excitement and newness and still open to anything. Each time I’ve had sex has not robbed the next partner of any part of me.
And someone’s capacity to abstain doesn’t necessarily make them a great person, it doesn’t make them anything. So can we just move on and stop peddling this stuff.

I’m sorry if you’re reading this and you have a teenage daughter and you’re happy for her to be disillusioned with regards to sex and the world. But you’re doing her a disservice.

How Abbi Ruins Porn For You All – look away now

Where to start. Wow there’s so much to say and so much I want to say but I’ll whittle it down because you have LOADS of homework to do – that’s right, you have to watch the links or my critiques will make no sense.

Let me start by saying that I don’t hate porn, just on the very off chance that that needs to be said. Well I do actually, I hate nearly all the porn I’ve found or been shown and admittedly that’s not a lot because I’ve kind of given up. There’ll always be something hot to read or something else to get me going so the incentive isn’t really there for me to keep looking. But I suppose what I mean is that I’m absolutely not against the idea of it, I adore the idea of it. I would love to see two people going at it who looked like they actually enjoyed it. Like really wanted to fuck each other. And I’d love to direct the movies of any of my own stories that I’ve recounted here (you could take ANY story featuring The Cop and it would be gold). So my criteria is that it needs to be a good hot scenario (showing up at my work and demanding to be fucked?) and involving two people who are attracted to each other and want to devour each other. How in the 2000 plus years of civilisation have we not managed to attain this? It doesn’t seem like an unreasonable goal.


And just because we don’t need a giant elephant butt plug in the room, I should mention that I’m not at all unaware of the new laws around the production of porn in the UK – of course I’m aware and of course I think they’re ridiculous. But most of all what they do is make me weep for the next generation of girls growing up and what kind of sex are they going to be expected to put up with? It’s women who are going to bear the brunt of this mistake. But it will damage everyone.

BUT. I’m not in the UK and I am certainly not informed enough to talk about it.

These people are:

Exhibit A


Worth a read.


So, on to clip one. Where we’re starting easy with supposedly “arty” stuff?  You have to skip through some ridiculous intro that I couldn’t at all fathom? Was it supposed to be there to give a back story to the female audience? No clue, but get that out of the way.


I really hope you watched some of it or this rant is wasted!

A lot of kissing at the start wasn’t there? not great kissing but certainly not as fucking awful as the two girls in the third one (90% of you have just gone to click on the third link haven’t you!) Ok, so possibly if this was real life you might take that much time with the kissing but I think for these purposes they could have cut it down a bit. And he was in no rush to get his hands on her or to get her bra or knickers off – which usually would sound good but this really wasn’t in a hot, I’m teasing you, taking my sweet time, way, more like an ‘I have no real interest’ way. It was stilted and weird like they were kinda afraid of each other.

But not an awful start – she also looks normal and I’d be confident her tits weren’t fake.. ahem.

Totally didn’t fancy him though, so that was a minus point and sorry to be a cliché here but yeah, not fancying him detracted it a bit for me

She also took AGES to get to his cock, again like she was afraid of it or something. I personally needed to see it or some outline of it sooner than we did. Here’s the first and not the last time I’ll say this – but I suspect we didn’t get to see it for a while because…. It wasn’t hard.


And so we get to the oral sex – not before there was some cursory and pretty dismissive playing with tits. I’ll say it again boys; please pay them more attention and not just when they’re in clothes.

Back to the oral sex, the head he gave her looked rubbish – not that I know what that looks like, I have no idea what anyone is doing down there I just know when I like it. So it’s safe to say I didn’t really like watching this.

I also thought he could have slipped the finger in sooner and done a lot more with it.


Now on to the first bit that made me really cringe, like hands-over-my-eyes-a-bit cringe, never, ever a word you want to use when you’re talking about looking to be aroused – that blow job? Fuck that looked dire – he wasn’t even properly hard! And she didn’t seem like she wanted to keep it in her mouth? Maybe that’s what they do in porn because a good blowjob, where you keep your mouth on it, doesn’t look as visually stimulating, cos all the action is happening inside where we can’t see it…? And she absolutely wasn’t doing that trick I was told a few months ago; which is, if you’re using your hands and your mouth, get the cock nice and wet, grasp it with your thumb and fore finger and keep them as close to your lips as possible as you work them up and down the shaft.  Making the whole sensation more intense and more akin to the feeling of a pussy. Whereas her hands and her mouth were all over the place. No consistency. I kept thinking; that can’t be enjoyable for him?

I could barely watch.

I think she should have been able to gag on it first, that makes it instantly wet, and then she should have been in a position where it was sliding all in and out of her mouth. But that’s just me.


Then there was the sex, reverse cowgirl, which is usually great, but again he really didn’t look like he was properly hard, that in itself ruined it for me. I don’t want to think about someone only on a semi…. awful. I know, making it all about myself, but I suppose I can’t picture myself enjoying that scene if I think the guy isn’t hard for me? That makes sense, right?

Not to mention it didn’t look like he was really giving it to her properly, it didn’t seem like he was getting it all in. He had a big cock and half of it was always out of her – again this was for visuals I’ll assume but for me I just kept thinking: ‘Jesus, would you stop that so I can grind down onto you properly’.


And then we went to the side – fucking rubbish, who really enjoys that for more than a few seconds, it looked so uncomfortable and AGAIN like half his dick was always outside her. I really just for one second wanted her to put her legs down, for him to grab her hips and plough into her from behind. I’d like to have seen the concentration on his face and the surprise on hers. That would have been hot for me.

But no.

Then I really thought that she was gonna get on her knees and maybe we’d get a bit that way? Again, no. I suppose I just know how these things would go in my head if I was the one having that sex and being taken, hard, then slow, would have happened there.

So we’re on to missionary and yet again the big fucking tease keeps half his cock out of her. There’s also no energy or initiative from her. It’s all so dead and lacking in real energy. I didn’t wait for the money shot.

So I’m not sure who that piece was made for, who they had in mind that would be turned on by it. I’m sure someone was, it just wasn’t me.

I would love to watch some people fuck who actually looked like they were enjoying it.


Here is something in a similar vein but just a bit better. Again I don’t believe any of it but at least the guy is hard and he does give it to her properly from behind.





Now before we get to clip three, I feel like I should point out that I do have an imagination and that I am able to suspend disbelief and enjoy movies. But somehow I’m just not able to see past so much of it in porn.

This one was a bit better – as in I did manage to have a wank to it a successful one at that.


Now these two lovely young ladies are some of the worst kissers in history. They should have just gone ahead and banged teeth for good measure. Who the fuck kisses like this? Oh, my bad, I have the answer NO ONE but porn stars. This tongues out shit is fucking ludicrous. I would punch someone for kissing me like that. GET STUCK IN. And once again I would like to see that, two girls kissing like they mean it. I KNOW they’re using tongues, I don’t have to see their two tongues continually miss each other as they chase around, just outside their mouths. I hated it. The shitty kissing that is. Probably because I love kissing so much as it’s so easy to film HOT kissing.

Right I better get on or I’ll be here talking about kissing until no one ever wants to kiss me again.

Next off, those fecking nails? Come on, what the fuck? I can tell you now they made me wince. I kept thinking of how much damage they could have done, were doing, could do again…. Shudder.

But to be fair, she was much better than our boy in clip one. Way better.

But they could have had a few words…? Announced when they were coming?

Next problem – the oil. Ok, oil is nice but really… it was a bit early for it. Because and every fecking adult with a brain knows, you don’t want to lick someone if they’re covered in oil. Could not stop thinking about how awful it would taste.

And again not enough tit work – but it was way better than the first guy. There was actual attention paid here, albeit with oil that then negated any mouth to tit action. Disappointing.

Now the second girl I thought did a better job. I liked that her nails didn’t look like they were going to give her ‘slave’ internal stitches, and I liked her approach in general. I liked how her hands moved over her skin. How she ate her out and how she fingered her.

But what I really liked was the strap-on and could have done with seeing a bit more of that. And of course seeing it from behind. With some hair pulling and ass slapping thrown in. That would have been my own preference.

What I couldn’t fathom was the peeing bit at the end? What the hell was that all about? Was that necessary, how did that seem at all relevant or ….

I’ll have to stop myself. I’m clearly asking pointless questions.

Suffice it to say I thought it superfluous. But on a whole it wasn’t the worse porn I saw in the research effort I put in this week. Even if it didn’t seem for one millisecond that those two had any interest in each other.

Here it is done similarly but this was just a bit more believable – well, I wasn’t totally convinced but at least the girl sat on her face (I loved that) and that double ended dildo – all I can say is where did she get that?



So I’ll leave you with this, my absolute favourite from the week. I found it the most believable – even though I did have some problems with it, on a whole I had the least arguments with this one. And I suppose it’s like the kind of sex I like to have myself. There towards the end when she’s on top of him, grinding onto him…. seemed like she actually came? She probably didn’t but I was certainly able to believe that she did. Which was a first and ultimately what I had been looking for all week.

But it didn’t make me come.





So I think what this week of research has demonstrated is that I know feck all about porn because I haven’t seen enough of it. But any that I have seen is mostly just not quite believable enough for me to get off on, there’s just something that always ruins it for me. And the second thing I’ve learned is that I’m not sure I will ever find it. And I’m ok with that. I think erotica does it for me more. And the third thing I think I’ve learned is that I’m probably too lazy to keep searching when I’m not getting the results I’m looking for.

I’m not actually trying to ruin it for anyone, I’m just giving you my thoughts on it.


Much as I know I’m drawing the sword down on my own head, I’m still going to say it. If you want to send me some porn you think I might like, that has a hot scenario and people that look like they want to fuck each other – then please do. For one I’d like to see it and for two I’d happily critique it

Aching to Gag for Him

Do you use FaceTime? It’s great, way better than Skype – somewhat more natural. And the fact that it’s in your pocket all the time unlike say, your laptop.
Anyway New Boy, who I’m patiently waiting for with a patience rarely seen from me, is fond of the FaceTime, consequently, so am I now. I’ve been converted. Sort of.
So this piece is about two things one I like and am getting to like more and one I’ve never liked and am not sure ever will?

New Boy is still keen on exploiting my submissive side, I suspect he has more experience than me. Bear that in mind. (that and the fact that I have not slept with this guy, let’s absolutely not forget that the most amount of touching that we’ve has has been very polite cheek kisses and nothing more)
So back to the FaceTiming. I’m in bed chatting to him, he’s on a couch somewhere on the mainland (that’s right, he’s English). Causally he asks if it’s cold in my bedroom, innocently even but I suspect something is coming. I think he’s about to ask can he see my tits, because you would wouldn’t you, if you knew you could. He’s seen them plenty but thankfully still happy to see them every time. He quietly tells me to pull the duvet down. I obey, I’m happy to show him. I think that’s about all he’s going to ask – but as usual I am wholly wrong.

Before I say more I have to explain I don’t usually enjoy being watched. In any way. It doesn’t turn me on to have someone look at me while I touch myself, either in person or remotely, like this. I’m not shy, that’s not the issue, I just won’t come. And the more I think that, the more it doesn’t happen. Now I’m not mean or selfish and if it really turns someone on then I’ll do it, I’ll try but I will warn them that I’m not likely to orgasm and I won’t be fully turned on. If they’re ok and they want it anyway? Sometimes I’ll oblige.
So I pull down the duvet and just stare back at him. He doesn’t smile, he just looks back and then tells me to go lower. There’s a difference in the tone of his voice, there’s a commanding element to it the softer he speaks. I pull the duvet back further. I am only wearing knickers, I mostly sleep like this. For some reason I’m a little aroused more than I usually would be by this but I know how this goes – I get somewhat excited and then it never really goes past that, I know I’ll get no relief. But my breathing is still ragged? I tell him this isn’t likely to work. He calmly says that he wants me to do it anyway, that he just wants me to do as I’m told. And … that he knows I will. Fine, if he knows he’s not going to get a full show out of me and he wants it anyway, I’m going to go along with it – something in his voice is making me want to.


He tells me to put my hands inside my underwear and just leave them there, don’t move them. The camera is just on my face and tits, that’s what he can see. He’s still not smiling, he’s different and I like it. I start to think he might know better than me and this might be ok? He’s staring at me, darkly, and I like it. I like his gaze and how it makes me feel exposed. He’s fully clothed.
He asks am I moving my hand inside my knickers, I tell him I’m not. He tells me that he wants me to. He can see my arm moving he’s aware that I’m doing it. He uses my name and once again tells me what he wants me to do. ‘Abbi, I want you to stop touching yourself and put a finger in your mouth ‘. I barely have this done when he tells me put a second in there. I slide them in, still enjoying the tone of his voice and how he’s looking at me.
‘Abbi, push them in further… further’. They are almost back my throat. I start to gag and he knows this. He says nothing for a few seconds and then tells me to keep them there. And I hold them there as long as he stares at me. I gag more – this is what he wants, to watch me gag, picturing my fingers replaced by his cock.
‘Take your fingers out Abbi, put them on your clit. Now show me’. I move the camera down so he can see. He tells me to push a finger inside myself. I’m not a terribly good sub, I talk back, but I do it. Again his tone just owns me. He watches me and I don’t know if this is doing anything for him, I can’t tell anything, this of course is adding to my excitement. He tells me to take my fingers out and to circle my clit. I do as I’m told. I bring the camera back up so that he can see my face and tits – he knows I’m still circling my clit as instructed. I love his gaze, it’s so in control both of me and of his own excitement. I can’t tell it at the time, but he tells me after, that he was so turned on. My compliance did it for him.
Again he calmly tells me to take my fingers off my clit and to put them in my mouth. I do. Again he pushes me to shove them further back my throat, he’s waiting for me to gag. But I’m good at this, it’s not the first time I’ve had something as big as both my finger back there. But I am only human I can only hold it so long. He waits, and waits til I’m on the edge of choking. I know what he’s doing but I didn’t know how much he was enjoying it or how much I would.
Here I am, naked, being watching and shoving my own fingers down my throat and I’m utterly turned on. When he eventually tells me to take them out I’m out of breath and nearly choked, they’re very wet. He calls me a good girl, this swells my clit even more. And thankfully he tells me to put my fingers back on my clit. And finally I see his cock, rock solid and glistening with pre cum. He touches it and tells me to watch him. I am enthralled, one because I love the look of his cock and how his hand moves on it, two because I’m so delighted to see him as aroused as me, and three because even though he’s touching himself for me to see – he’s still in control. Utterly in control of the situation and of me.
I am doing what I like to my lips and clit I can’t look away from him. He’s still talking to me in the new voice, the one of dark lust and control. I think I’m going to come, I can’t stop now – the sound of his voice, the sight of his cock and the thought of him touching me….

But I don’t. It does that thing where it reaches a peak and then disappears – like it always does when I attempt this. I’m not happy, in fact I’m annoyed at myself and a tiny bit embarrassed.
Neither lasts long.

But what’s left? The knowledge that he can do this, that he can control me and arouse me even like this, over FaceTime. And now, reliving this as I write it I am wildly turned on, disproportionately aroused. It is the thought of him and what he could do to me …. And the sound of his voice.
I’m in my parents’ house, where I am never able to make myself come but I feel like I might be able to now.

If this boy is a fraction as good when I finally get to have him as he has been on FaceTime I may not be able to give him up.
I wonder, is it him or is it the fact that I’ve had to wait so long for him?
2 More days and I’ll know.

(in case it wasn’t clear, it’s the being controlled and obeying instructions that I like and am liking more, being watched…. Not so much)