How Abbi Ruins Porn For You All – look away now

Where to start. Wow there’s so much to say and so much I want to say but I’ll whittle it down because you have LOADS of homework to do – that’s right, you have to watch the links or my critiques will make no sense.

Let me start by saying that I don’t hate porn, just on the very off chance that that needs to be said. Well I do actually, I hate nearly all the porn I’ve found or been shown and admittedly that’s not a lot because I’ve kind of given up. There’ll always be something hot to read or something else to get me going so the incentive isn’t really there for me to keep looking. But I suppose what I mean is that I’m absolutely not against the idea of it, I adore the idea of it. I would love to see two people going at it who looked like they actually enjoyed it. Like really wanted to fuck each other. And I’d love to direct the movies of any of my own stories that I’ve recounted here (you could take ANY story featuring The Cop and it would be gold). So my criteria is that it needs to be a good hot scenario (showing up at my work and demanding to be fucked?) and involving two people who are attracted to each other and want to devour each other. How in the 2000 plus years of civilisation have we not managed to attain this? It doesn’t seem like an unreasonable goal.

 

And just because we don’t need a giant elephant butt plug in the room, I should mention that I’m not at all unaware of the new laws around the production of porn in the UK – of course I’m aware and of course I think they’re ridiculous. But most of all what they do is make me weep for the next generation of girls growing up and what kind of sex are they going to be expected to put up with? It’s women who are going to bear the brunt of this mistake. But it will damage everyone.

BUT. I’m not in the UK and I am certainly not informed enough to talk about it.

These people are:
GOTN

Exhibit A

Stavvers

Worth a read.

 

So, on to clip one. Where we’re starting easy with supposedly “arty” stuff?  You have to skip through some ridiculous intro that I couldn’t at all fathom? Was it supposed to be there to give a back story to the female audience? No clue, but get that out of the way.

 

 

http://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=659170202

 

I really hope you watched some of it or this rant is wasted!

A lot of kissing at the start wasn’t there? not great kissing but certainly not as fucking awful as the two girls in the third one (90% of you have just gone to click on the third link haven’t you!) Ok, so possibly if this was real life you might take that much time with the kissing but I think for these purposes they could have cut it down a bit. And he was in no rush to get his hands on her or to get her bra or knickers off – which usually would sound good but this really wasn’t in a hot, I’m teasing you, taking my sweet time, way, more like an ‘I have no real interest’ way. It was stilted and weird like they were kinda afraid of each other.

But not an awful start – she also looks normal and I’d be confident her tits weren’t fake.. ahem.

Totally didn’t fancy him though, so that was a minus point and sorry to be a cliché here but yeah, not fancying him detracted it a bit for me

She also took AGES to get to his cock, again like she was afraid of it or something. I personally needed to see it or some outline of it sooner than we did. Here’s the first and not the last time I’ll say this – but I suspect we didn’t get to see it for a while because…. It wasn’t hard.

 

And so we get to the oral sex – not before there was some cursory and pretty dismissive playing with tits. I’ll say it again boys; please pay them more attention and not just when they’re in clothes.

Back to the oral sex, the head he gave her looked rubbish – not that I know what that looks like, I have no idea what anyone is doing down there I just know when I like it. So it’s safe to say I didn’t really like watching this.

I also thought he could have slipped the finger in sooner and done a lot more with it.

 

Now on to the first bit that made me really cringe, like hands-over-my-eyes-a-bit cringe, never, ever a word you want to use when you’re talking about looking to be aroused – that blow job? Fuck that looked dire – he wasn’t even properly hard! And she didn’t seem like she wanted to keep it in her mouth? Maybe that’s what they do in porn because a good blowjob, where you keep your mouth on it, doesn’t look as visually stimulating, cos all the action is happening inside where we can’t see it…? And she absolutely wasn’t doing that trick I was told a few months ago; which is, if you’re using your hands and your mouth, get the cock nice and wet, grasp it with your thumb and fore finger and keep them as close to your lips as possible as you work them up and down the shaft.  Making the whole sensation more intense and more akin to the feeling of a pussy. Whereas her hands and her mouth were all over the place. No consistency. I kept thinking; that can’t be enjoyable for him?

I could barely watch.

I think she should have been able to gag on it first, that makes it instantly wet, and then she should have been in a position where it was sliding all in and out of her mouth. But that’s just me.

 

Then there was the sex, reverse cowgirl, which is usually great, but again he really didn’t look like he was properly hard, that in itself ruined it for me. I don’t want to think about someone only on a semi…. awful. I know, making it all about myself, but I suppose I can’t picture myself enjoying that scene if I think the guy isn’t hard for me? That makes sense, right?

Not to mention it didn’t look like he was really giving it to her properly, it didn’t seem like he was getting it all in. He had a big cock and half of it was always out of her – again this was for visuals I’ll assume but for me I just kept thinking: ‘Jesus, would you stop that so I can grind down onto you properly’.

 

And then we went to the side – fucking rubbish, who really enjoys that for more than a few seconds, it looked so uncomfortable and AGAIN like half his dick was always outside her. I really just for one second wanted her to put her legs down, for him to grab her hips and plough into her from behind. I’d like to have seen the concentration on his face and the surprise on hers. That would have been hot for me.

But no.

Then I really thought that she was gonna get on her knees and maybe we’d get a bit that way? Again, no. I suppose I just know how these things would go in my head if I was the one having that sex and being taken, hard, then slow, would have happened there.

So we’re on to missionary and yet again the big fucking tease keeps half his cock out of her. There’s also no energy or initiative from her. It’s all so dead and lacking in real energy. I didn’t wait for the money shot.

So I’m not sure who that piece was made for, who they had in mind that would be turned on by it. I’m sure someone was, it just wasn’t me.

I would love to watch some people fuck who actually looked like they were enjoying it.

 

Here is something in a similar vein but just a bit better. Again I don’t believe any of it but at least the guy is hard and he does give it to her properly from behind.

http://xhamster.com/movies/2547776/hot_blond.html

 

 

 

 

Now before we get to clip three, I feel like I should point out that I do have an imagination and that I am able to suspend disbelief and enjoy movies. But somehow I’m just not able to see past so much of it in porn.

This one was a bit better – as in I did manage to have a wank to it a successful one at that.

 

http://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=919512202

 

Now these two lovely young ladies are some of the worst kissers in history. They should have just gone ahead and banged teeth for good measure. Who the fuck kisses like this? Oh, my bad, I have the answer NO ONE but porn stars. This tongues out shit is fucking ludicrous. I would punch someone for kissing me like that. GET STUCK IN. And once again I would like to see that, two girls kissing like they mean it. I KNOW they’re using tongues, I don’t have to see their two tongues continually miss each other as they chase around, just outside their mouths. I hated it. The shitty kissing that is. Probably because I love kissing so much as it’s so easy to film HOT kissing.

Right I better get on or I’ll be here talking about kissing until no one ever wants to kiss me again.

Next off, those fecking nails? Come on, what the fuck? I can tell you now they made me wince. I kept thinking of how much damage they could have done, were doing, could do again…. Shudder.

But to be fair, she was much better than our boy in clip one. Way better.

But they could have had a few words…? Announced when they were coming?

Next problem – the oil. Ok, oil is nice but really… it was a bit early for it. Because and every fecking adult with a brain knows, you don’t want to lick someone if they’re covered in oil. Could not stop thinking about how awful it would taste.

And again not enough tit work – but it was way better than the first guy. There was actual attention paid here, albeit with oil that then negated any mouth to tit action. Disappointing.

Now the second girl I thought did a better job. I liked that her nails didn’t look like they were going to give her ‘slave’ internal stitches, and I liked her approach in general. I liked how her hands moved over her skin. How she ate her out and how she fingered her.

But what I really liked was the strap-on and could have done with seeing a bit more of that. And of course seeing it from behind. With some hair pulling and ass slapping thrown in. That would have been my own preference.

What I couldn’t fathom was the peeing bit at the end? What the hell was that all about? Was that necessary, how did that seem at all relevant or ….

I’ll have to stop myself. I’m clearly asking pointless questions.

Suffice it to say I thought it superfluous. But on a whole it wasn’t the worse porn I saw in the research effort I put in this week. Even if it didn’t seem for one millisecond that those two had any interest in each other.

Here it is done similarly but this was just a bit more believable – well, I wasn’t totally convinced but at least the girl sat on her face (I loved that) and that double ended dildo – all I can say is where did she get that?

http://xhamster.com/movies/2787685/super_horny_and_super_wet.html

 

 

So I’ll leave you with this, my absolute favourite from the week. I found it the most believable – even though I did have some problems with it, on a whole I had the least arguments with this one. And I suppose it’s like the kind of sex I like to have myself. There towards the end when she’s on top of him, grinding onto him…. seemed like she actually came? She probably didn’t but I was certainly able to believe that she did. Which was a first and ultimately what I had been looking for all week.

But it didn’t make me come.

 

http://xhamster.com/movies/2266790/sexy_latina_kristina.html

 

 

 

 

So I think what this week of research has demonstrated is that I know feck all about porn because I haven’t seen enough of it. But any that I have seen is mostly just not quite believable enough for me to get off on, there’s just something that always ruins it for me. And the second thing I’ve learned is that I’m not sure I will ever find it. And I’m ok with that. I think erotica does it for me more. And the third thing I think I’ve learned is that I’m probably too lazy to keep searching when I’m not getting the results I’m looking for.

I’m not actually trying to ruin it for anyone, I’m just giving you my thoughts on it.

 

Much as I know I’m drawing the sword down on my own head, I’m still going to say it. If you want to send me some porn you think I might like, that has a hot scenario and people that look like they want to fuck each other – then please do. For one I’d like to see it and for two I’d happily critique it

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