Someone’s Wife or Someone’s Whore?

I’ve been asking myself this a bit lately, I always thought I knew the answer. But did I?

Sex has always been important to me, more so than almost all other things in existence and even still I always thought I would choose to be a wife. Well not a ‘wife’ so specifically, as I don’t particularly believe in marriage but I do believe in a long term partner so, fine, we can call that ‘wife’ for these purposes. And yet, what have I been doing about it? What have I been doing about becoming a wife? I’ve been having crazy sex with people and kissing girls and talking about, planning and sometimes orchestrating threesomes, sex at work, sex on roof tops. Sex with people I’m not supposed to be sleeping with and even sometimes (rarely) sex with people I didn’t like.

Doesn’t sound like wifely actions, does it?

Well maybe my idea of wifely is different to the normal one we’re sold. See I believe that a happy union (and this is my idea of a happy union) involves being whores for each other. Being totally sexually available for that person that you chose to be with above all others. And they in turn would be there for you. Of course having first established that you shared the same predilections and fancied the holes off each other. I don’t think the term Wife and Whore are mutually exclusive or ever should be. For me to be able to commit to someone I would expect back what I would be willing to offer and that is complete sexual adoration. That has always seemed like a great deal, a covetable thing, a goal that was worthy. But most of all, something that I wholly wanted.

 

I wanted so dearly to outwardly be someone’s partner and secretly be their whore. And in that sense I always believed that I would pick being a wife as opposed to whore in the other sense i.e. just someone you have sex with.

 

But back to what I alluded to initially, what was I doing about this – but behaving the opposite way. Not staying with anyone long enough, not giving anyone the chance to get close, not giving anyone a chance full stop. Choosing only those who sought the casual from me and making sure that that was all they would get. I don’t seek out the crazy sex scenarios, I’m not on Craig’s list conjuring up settings, but they have seemed to find me. And easily at that.

 

And this of late has made me think? Do I really want that? Do I really want what I purport to seek? Or am I just telling myself I want this because I’m supposed to, because all my friends do, because all of society does? Was it about time I stopped trying to be a round peg in a square hole and just accepted who I really was because all my actions spoke otherwise?

 

I really looked at this I really thought about it, examined what it was I wanted out of a sexual partner long term. Turns out that I’m not trying to be a round peg in a square hole, I’m trying to be me. See I do give people chances I just grab the crazy sex opportunities when they come along too. I’ve been open to them and just capitalised when they came my way. Enjoying any one of those experiences doesn’t negate my desire for something more stable, I just would like something more tailored for me. And when I have let people in? Well obviously it hasn’t worked out long, long term but it has worked out enough times for an appropriate amount of time for me to know that I still want to try.

 

I have to stop hating myself for wanting what most people want. But my next question is; if I keep having casual sex (with admittedly really fun people) will I stop looking for the thing that I really want? Will I miss it if it walks on by?

 

As much as I adore great dates with one offs and the super situations I’ve had with The Cop and intricately planned seductions – I want more than that. I want to be more than just a fantasy to someone. I want to be important to someone as myself as well as the character I can play out for them. And as exciting as new sex is, it’s not my favourite thing, I prefer sex with someone I know well. That’s my choice. That would be my preference. And Really, I am just so bored of being the other interest. Not in a ‘woe is me’ hard-done-by way – I’ve chosen these situations and they have worked out to my repeated satisfaction. I’m just saying that I no longer want to choose that.

 

I’m not sure how this will manifest its self. It’s like wanting to get drunk on champagne and only being able to find cider. I still want to get drunk ….. I still enjoy being drunk.

 

(you can see the dilemma right?)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *