No Chance of Getting Sponsored After This Piece of Honesty

We don’t all like the same things. Everyone knows that, but we don’t always remember it when we’re trying to understand why people don’t like the things we happen to love.

We know this and yet we are still amazed.

I’ll go first yeah? I hate, like can’t abide and do not understand the appeal of cinnamon. God I hate it. I also cannot fathom why any girl would not want to kiss a guy after he’s gone down on her. It’s the best taste. Honestly why would you not want to taste yourself, we taste great! I also cannot fathom anyone not liking blowjobs – ok, I can kinda believe it, dicks are scary and something stuffed in your mouth can be daunting. I do get it but I still struggle with it because in the universe it is one of my most enjoyable activities.

You might even want to shout at me about this next one and my utter aversion to it. I can’t stand the thought of a facial. I just don’t want someone to come in my face. To jerk off and finish on my face. Something about it is just the wrong side of derogatory for me. I know people are into it, I read that they are but I cannot tell you that I know one girl personally that does. This is not me judging anyone that loves to be super soaked, it’s just one simple example of something I can’t get on board with. But I’m very sure that loads of people feel that way about spanking or throat fucking – other things which I happen to love (with the right person, of course)

We’re all different. I’d do well to remember that.


So here’s the big thing that I don’t like – and while I can conceive that people would like it, it just feels a bit like the Emperor’s New Clothes; i.e. do people really enjoy this as much as they say they do? Are they actually getting that much pleasure from it….?

But what the fuck do I know, sure I can’t believe that people rave about McDonalds.


Jesus Abbi get to it would you.

It’s vibrators. I don’t like them, I don’t enjoy them and I don’t know what the fuss is about. So there, right out the window goes my hope of ever having this blog sponsored! (and rest assured that I do dream of getting sponsored so I can write all day and be Abbi a hell of lot more than I get to right now)


I have owned several (still own several) and none of them are worth the hassle of even pulling them out from under the bed.


Oh but Abbi maybe you don’t have a good one? A quality one?

I do.

But have you tried – The Doxy? Ooh the Rolls Royce of vibrators…?

Um … yes and it’s very nice on the knot on my shoulder. But anywhere else feels rubbish. Although I have yet to try it out on my tight calves? That might be nice..?



Of course it’s totally possible that I’m using them wrong. I don’t think I am though. But I’m open to guidance should anyone feel like sending it.

The issue isn’t that it’s something other than a human body part going into me, I have some dildos that I love and a very lovely and large butt plug that for some reason I really enjoy in my pussy. I think it’s that fundamentally I don’t enjoy the sensation of the vibrations so I can’t see any of them working for me.

The sensation isn’t anything that I enjoy, and  it gives me a weird sort of fake orgasm that I like even less. I’ll try to explain that; I feel it’s like one of those electro stimulators for cattle, you know the ones where they shock them and they immediately ejaculate? That’s what it reminds of. Not at all sexy, right?


It feels like a fake orgasm, it doesn’t feel real. But most of all it’s just so – unsatisfying. Wholly unnourishing and relieving. Nothing at all like a real orgasm, like a proper climax. And afterwards I don’t feel sated, I feel cheated and agitated. And that’s fine, there are other ways to get off. I don’t have to use them. No one is forcing me or telling me I’m denying the industry my allegiance… but I kind of feel like the only one. The only girl who feels  like this…..

I can’t relate to the stories that others have about how vibrators have made their bodies do incredible, unimaginable things? I’m sure they’re not lying but are they exaggerating?

Again it doesn’t matter, I’m sure they are life altering for someone who’s maybe never had an orgasm.

But if you’re out there and vibrators don’t work for you, well you’re not alone. They don’t work for me either. So don’t bother with an expensive wand, don’t fork out the money. If you’ve tried any kind of vibrator; from an over priced Ann Summers one to a cheapo Durex cock ring, and for whatever reason that buzzing sensation wasn’t for you? Then let me save you the money and don’t fork out for an expensive massaging wand – it’s really no different. Except for the fact that it doesn’t actually get inserted into you.



I don’t want anyone coming away from reading this thinking ‘ABBI HATES TOYS’ Abbi does not hate toys. I love them, I have a succinct collection I just happen to have a preference for the non-power assisted ones. The floggers, the rope, the cuffs, the dildos, the blindfolds, the plugs …..

These are way more fun for me.

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