I’m not an expert on anything.
Not even brownies and blowjobs like I claim on my CV*. I do like to think that I’ve learned a few things along the way but most days I feel like a naïve idiot at best and a total fecking eejit at worst.
But I do try
Not very hard sometimes – but when I do try hard I give it all.
When do you give up?
When do you decide not to expend any more energy and just focus on something else? Cut your losses?
I feel I could better serve my life if I just gave up the notion of having any kind of fulfilling relationship. Of course if it was that easy, giving it up, I would just do it and not have to debate it.
It’s not easy to give it up. We’re sold it from a young age and it is widely accepted as the norm and in nearly any culture as an agreed marker of success.
And humans are social, we like to be around other people, we particularly like to think that there’s someone for us, someone we have ‘the right’ to spend time with and request time of.
And why wouldn’t we. That notion is lovely.
by all accounts we’re getting worse at it – finding someone and making it work. 40% of all relationships are now instigated online. I don’t have hard data for you as to why this is. And I have even less on what this means for the success of these unions. But that won’t stop me throwing out some wild conjecture nonetheless.
I’ve read that online dating is a hugely different selection process than in person; we’re way pickier and brutal, always looking for the perfect and rejecting any tenet of a person’s life/style/character that we don’t feel aligns with ours. Or even what we want to be i.e. even smokers will reject smokers as they feel they won’t give up if they are with another person who smokes.
And this is hindering the process of finding fulfilling connections.
While I’ve also heard, admittedly second hand from a psychologist, that we make just as quick, flash judgements in reality as we do swiping on Tinder. The eye sees something primal and whatever it’s looking for it can see it in a photograph. So technically it is possible to find someone just as worthy online… So that might not be why we aren’t making connections.
So as I heard recently, pick a side, an idea, a notion – and you will be able to find data to support it.
I don’t know how I feel about why we are less coupled up than we used to be. But the fact is that we are. Are we too picky? Are we too entitled? Is there too much choice? Is the Western ideal of self focus instead of community focus the reason? Maybe humans aren’t so built for monogamy as we’d like to think?
No that any studies on how to find a partner was going to stop me. I know what I want and I wasn’t about to negate any route to getting it, online, in person, or on an app.
I haven’t gotten anything.
Well not anything like what I’ve been looking for. Nothing lasting, nothing fulfilling, nothing even in Dublin! And I have to ask myself – why am I still trying?
Is it a desire within me myself? Or is it something I see everywhere so feel like I should have? Well I can’t tell.
I honestly think it is something I want, for the record.
But at what point do we give up? At what point do we stop wasting time looking for a thing that might not exist and just be more grateful for what we do have?
I’m not entirely useless, I have a semblance of a career. I live in my own house and I’m not awful looking – all things I should be happy about.
I have a wide circle of friends, close male ones and close female ones. I have family who are good, and while I’ve minded them longer than I got parented, I still like them. And that aside I’ve never questioned that my parents love me. I’ve questioned a lot about them, but never that. And what’s more I’m fairly certain that they like me too, even if I’ve never made them proud. (trust me, I haven’t)
I have a sister who is like a part of my soul. I would choose her through a thousand lifetimes across a hundred millennia. I would always choose her, if choosing your family was something that could be done. And I’ve two others I’m pretty fond of.
And more than that, I have a BFF – a woman that I love like a shark loves blood. Consistently, measurably I don’t think I love anyone’s company more than hers. It’s visceral.
And loads others.
So look. Just look at all the love in my life. All the fantastic love that I have been fortunate enough to find. I’m rich and teeming with it. I am not without support no matter how much I think I am on the dark days.
So why…….. why do I feel like I have not succeeded in love? Why am I made to feel like that?
Why are these loves not measured and scored and taken into account? I don’t list them to brag, I list them to highlight the absurdity that I can have all that and still be looked on with pity as I apparently don’t have love in my life.
Well maybe it’s time I did just that. Maybe I should bask in the glow of the blessings I do have and give up on the one little one that I don’t.
I’m getting all I need from other sources – why do I think I need a partner too? Why don’t I just accept that the fairytale isn’t for everyone. Not all of us get to have a life partner, and many that do aren’t very happy with them. Surely accepting this and getting on with things is a better plan? I don’t lack for male company – or not for too long anyway, so wouldn’t I be more at peace if I just stopped chasing?
And even though I can’t even keep a straight face when I type that, I am going to try. I am going to try my very hardest to accept that finding a partner just isn’t for me, to accept the fabulous relationships that are in my life and be happy with them. To take the magnificent sex I (usually) get and be happy with that. Because it’s more than a lot of people get and I think coming to terms with that has to be better than chasing nothing; than wading through bullshit and misogyny and awful online profiles. I’m weary of it.
I gave it a great shot, I batted well but it’s time to step down.
I’m not alone, I’m just single. And that should be enough.
*My brownies are very good mind, and have rarely disappointed, in fact most have said they’d pay for them. Ditto the blowjobs.