The OkCupid Disasters

So although I’ve given up – I think there’s a few guys out there who think I’m an utter bitch because of our interactions. And that’s fine with me, I’d rather they thought that than knew the way harsher truth.

 

I’ve had about 5 OkCupid dates. They’ve mostly been pleasant but also mostly fruitless. And there’s one guy out there who really and truly believes that we didn’t have a second date because he lied about being a smoker. It’s not why. I mean, yeah, I wasn’t at all thrilled about that but it’s not why I didn’t see him again.

 

We had been exchanging messages for a little while, he was funny and sharp and I liked his quick wit. And when we exchanged numbers he actually rang. Unprecedented. And to my delight he was just as funny and quick-witted on the phone. This boded well.

We agreed to meet up on a Wednesday and have a couple of drinks. And it went downhill from there. All his suggestions are for pubs outside of town conveniently near where he lives? We finally agree on town, as that’s the ONLY fair thing. I arrive a few minutes late and text to say I’m nearly there – he responds saying blithely that he’ll be another 10. I was literally 3 minutes late.

So I get myself a drink and text him where I am in the bar. He gets himself one and comes and finds me. Straight off he does not look as good as his photos but not dramatically unlike them. And I hate his clothes, but I have come to expect that I will hate the guy’s clothes. I never win that sartorial lottery and I’ve fancied enough and lusted after enough guys whose clothes I’ve despaired over. So that’s not enough to put me off, it rarely is. (Twice, that’s how many times not only didn’t hate them, but actually swooned over what my date was wearing)

After the initial ‘Hey how are ya’s he suggests we go to the beer garden, I was unaware this place had one but as we walk out it’s actually a large and quite busy area. We find couches in the corner and settle in. The chat is ok, although he’s less interested in asking me questions this time and doesn’t do so much laughing.

And about 2 drinks in he starts smoking. He pointlessly and half-heartedly asks me if I mind and then doesn’t even check my reaction. Which is decidedly nonplussed. He either clocked my response and ignored it or he was actually oblivious.

But smoking is like peeing and once the seal is broken then that’s it. It was all systems go. And as we were outside there was no barrier to him smoking; he didn’t have to keep leaving my company to have another.

 

I’m trying to be funny and engaging but I can’t gauge anything from him he’s not giving me anything. Including not being quick enough on his round.

Eventually it’s getting really smoky out there and he is oblivious to my discomfort but he’s decided that it’s time for a change of venue so we cross the street to another pub. It is most definitely his round so I say I’m going to the loo as we walk in, and ask him where he’ll be after he gets the drinks. He just says I’ll spot him.

So I come back from the loo and he’s stood by the side of the exit to the smoking area? He hands me my drink and nods come on. I am really sick of being outside, it’s not that warm and the sun went down ages ago.

This smoking area is one of those really rubbish ones; small, cramped not nice to be in, populated by auld fellas with no sense of smell or taste still working and very, very badly ventilated. It can’t have been at all compliant with the regulations but so many of them aren’t.

We step one foot inside and I refuse to stay. It might as well have been a bookies from 1983 it was that smoky.

‘I can’t stay out here’ I say, and he just gives me a questioning ‘no?’ as if he cannot at all comprehend what my discomfort might be. So he says come on, and nods to heading back inside. Or so I assumed. But no. He walks through the bar and straight out to the street. Where he makes me stand with the drinks as he smokes yet another fag. I am shivering and he hasn’t even noticed. When he does finish I insist that we head back in.

I’ve really had enough at this point. I don’t think there’s enough chemistry and I’m somewhat bemused that someone could either care so little for someone else’s comfort or be so absolutely ignorant of it.

 

So he asks do I want another drink, I don’t. I say it’s late and I’ve to get up in the morning. And then it turns farcical. He is harbouring notions that I will go back to his, which is WAY on the other side of town. Actually outside of town, fecking miles away. I laugh and tell him I have the bike outside. And so the tack changes and he starts with the assumption that he’s coming to mine?! Again I tell him that it’s a light little fixie and wouldn’t carry both of us. He’s confused at this as he had assumed that I would ditch the bike and we’d get a cab to my house! HA!

I tell him I need it to get to work and his response is to suggest that I cycle home and he follows me in a taxi.

I cannot be polite anymore, I am laughing now. Probably a mistake on my part.

 

 

I finish my drink and he walks me to my bike. Or, more accurately he takes this time to try to convince me that the night is not yet over. I am feeling so awkward at this point. I don’t know how to cut this off and I have to cycle after probably 5 drinks.

I unlock the bike and keep it between us. But he manages to kiss me anyway  – oh god. A kiss from someone who’s been smoking all night.

It’s actually not that bad. He’s actually a good kisser and doesn’t taste as bad as he could have. But still, it was me being polite, I knew this was going no further.

 

Ok, thanks, night now, oíche mhaith. Bye.

And I was off on the bike. Flying home.

 

When I get there (it’s not too far) I have texts from him questioning why I didn’t bring him home, and telling me it wasn’t too late for him to turn the cab around????

 

 

Ughhhhhhh where to begin with this. IF I was into you all of that pushy persuasion would have seemed reasonable and I might have liked it and I might have caved. But you were wholly uninterested in my needs or desires or what I might have liked out of the date. Which all adds up to tell me that you wouldn’t give a shit about what I might want in bed or anywhere else, it was all your own agenda.

So, no thanks. I had to decline.

This I did not say to him.

 

I didn’t respond and then 4 nights later I get a text from him ‘I see you’ve been looking at my profile!’ OkCupid has a function that tells you if someone has looked at your details. And I decided to tell him the truth. I told him that I had indeed been on looking as I wanted to confirm a few things I thought I had picked up wrong. He’s a clever guy, I really did think that he would have sussed it. But no, he wanted me to spell it out. His profile clearly states that he’s a non-smoker, I was surprised that we spent our whole date in the smoking area – I tell him. And then he gave me this spiel about having given up but then having a big night out and going back on them…….. yawn.

I don’t care.

Because it’s not even about him lying about it, I get it, giving up is hard and people need support and encouragement, I’m not suggesting that I don’t acknowledge that struggle or that I wouldn’t be supportive to someone who was trying. But the whole of the date demonstrated his absolute lack of even a shred of courtesy. It was all about what he wanted and what was going to make him comfortable. None of which gave me any impression that he gave a shit about anyone’s needs but his own. And that is why I had no desire to see him again, not because he lied about being a smoker.

 

But let him think what he wants. Nothing I could say would change his lack of courteousness.

 

I feel no guilt or responsibility.

 

 

 

 

There is a guy I feel a little bit bad about. He messaged on a Sunday as I was on the couch in a delicate heap. Very vulnerable anyway, even without the hangover just because it’s Sunday. So we’re sending a few messages, and I cop on that he works for the same company as me. This is odd but ok, it’s a good company. We’re chatting on and off for an afternoon and eventually he gives me his number and says to drop him a text on whatsapp. And he never hears from me again.

This is why.

So I enter his number and up pops another picture of him, as you get with whataspp. And I do not like this pic at all. He doesn’t look as attractive, I predictably, hate what he’s wearing and more than that I hate what he’s doing in the shot. (he’s not murdering babies or eating puppies mind, just to qualify. It just makes me groan with tackiness)

And the whole thing is like a bucket of water over me. I suddenly see through my stupid Sunday self-pity and realise that we didn’t have this great connection, I was just happy to be talking to someone while not having to make the effort to see anyone I actually knew. And all our conversations were pedestrian and benign and mostly focused on what we do to alleviate hangovers. I can’t start texting this guy, then meet him just to confirm that we have nothing in common and I then have to avoid him any time I’m in the offices that he works in. (It’s thankfully not my office). So I just stopped responding….. I feel a bit bad about that. But I do believe that ultimately I did us a favour.

 

 

I have no idea what I am doing but I know what I’m not doing; wasting anyone’s time. Especially my own.

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