Blame the Single Girl – it’s ALWAYS her fault

I’m not entirely sure what the overriding emotion or feeling is here? I’m not sure it’s anger or frustration. Maybe it’s resignation, or just dispiritedness in defeat? I’m all of these things and I’m irked and upset too. And exasperated. Mostly at myself.

My sister is being conferred today. She is getting her masters. I’m very proud of her, and I’m delighted for her. She deserves it most definitely.

But I am not there. And why I’m not there is what’s causing me the angst. I think more than a few girls are going to be able to relate to this.

 

And I’m sorry to say but it is girls who will have experienced this and not guys.

 

Straight to the point; the husband of one of the girls getting conferred today with my sister, hit on me about a year ago at my sister’s house warming. Now he was quite drunk and it wasn’t aggressive or forceful or at all threatening. I want that to be perfectly clear. It was a long night that went into the wee hours and there were a lot of people there. A lot of smug couples I’m just going to churlishly say because I can and I’m angry at couples right now. It also means that single girls were thin on the ground at this party.

Now anyone who is the single girl knows what I’m inferring here.

It’s not all the time, it’s not a given but it does happen wholesale – when you’re the single girl you are seen as fair game.

Although I don’t see what’s fair about it and it doesn’t feel like a fun game.

 

He’s a nice guy, his wife is lovely and the one or two times I’d met them before they had seemed very pleasant. But I didn’t know them that well they’re my sister’s college people not people who would regularly be around. So I don’t know what goes on in their relationship, I don’t know if this was him just really out of character or if it was par for the course. I don’t know them or him well enough to say. As mentioned, he wasn’t aggressive or threatening or overtly sleazy, it was all very subtle but it was all night. He would sit beside me and his hand would make its way to my back, and then down my back to my arse. Then his hand would make its way to my thigh, then further up my thigh. I would move seats and rooms and move around but he always found his way back to me.

His wife had gone to bed, my sister had gone to bed and I was afraid to go to bed in case he came after me thinking it was a come on. Now I wasn’t terrified, sure all I had to do was make a bit of noise and that would be the end of it. So I wasn’t that scared to go to bed I just wanted to make it clear that this was not ok, but not to make a public deal of it.

So the last time that he had his hand behind my back stroking that area between the base of my spine and the start of my arse, I reached around, firmly grabbed his hand and put it back on his own lap. Then I looked him straight in the eye and wagged my finger. It was coy sure but I thought it was explicit: I don’t want you to think that this touching is ok. But I’m not going to publicly call you out on it at a party.

 

But why? Why couldn’t I call him out on it? Why is it that girls have to put up with this, and if we make a noise, we’re the problem? And tonight, I’m livid about that.

I should be over having a drink with my sister but because I don’t want to take the chance of running into that couple, I haven’t gone. My sister thinks I don’t care, that I couldn’t be bothered, that I’m maybe being a bit of a lazy, selfish prick (not that she has or would ever say that). And to protect this eejit, I’m letting her think badly of me. How is any of that right?

This …. this is not sitting well with me this evening.

 

So what are my options? You’ll have noted, or picked up that I haven’t told anyone about the guy hitting on me. Of course I haven’t. How would that work out? I tell my sister and then she’s burdened with having to choose between telling her friend or not telling her? Sure that just makes it shit for my sister. And I don’t want to make it shit for my sister. I decided not to tell her, my reasoning being that I don’t have to socialise with this couple and what’s the point in making a fuss over it.

The other part of it being that I don’t know this guy and I don’t want to hang him for just being drunk and tactile. (it was more than that but essentially, it was just a bit handsy) And we all make mistakes, we all do things we deeply regret and I do believe in forgiveness and not destroying people for things that aren’t that big a deal in the long run. I don’t even know if he remembers it. Maybe he doesn’t, he was quite drunk.

 

And what would happen if I told my sister and she told her friend? Or if I’d said something on the night? Sure he’s the socially validated married, upstanding citizen, with the hot wife (yup, definitely hotter than me) and who am I? I’m the single girl. It would be his word against mine and I know all too well how that doesn’t come down in my favour in situations like this. The Girl always take the hit. The blame is always laid at the girl’s feet.

 

Maybe I’m making a mountain out of a molehill – but whether this instance here is an issue or not the point I’m exploring is that some guys in relationships have a cover, a free pass, an immunity because they are in a relationship. And they get away with these kinds of things all the time. And I’m annoyed that I let them. I’m annoyed today that I’ve let that happen.

 

I’m not afraid of people a lot of the time. I am happy to stand up for myself and usually do. And I’ve seen that guy since and I’ve looked him straight in the face. But I really wish I didn’t have to.

I’m not feeling great at the moment (more on that anon) I’m not feeling feisty, or ballsy or  … strong. I’m not feeling like my usual self. Not that you’d know, I am mostly still strutting around like I own the place, but tonight, tonight I didn’t want to go over and be the single girl, knowing that if that had been a more serious incident that I wouldn’t have been believed, I just didn’t want to be reminded of how weakly I am protected.

How I have no social validity.

 

Tonight I didn’t want to be reminded that there is no one sticking up for me, but me.

 

 

 

*just to note, I can mostly do a great job of sticking up for me. My reserves are just a bit depleted right now. My confidence is cracked and I can’t find any plasters.

I will though. I always do. Have no fear.

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