The Catfish & The Cuckold

Sounds like a pub doesn’t it? I might drink there. But I mean literally, because I am not entertaining either of the guys who own those titles. Ok, if you aren’t aware of what catfishing is (and that’s fair enough, it’s a newish term) you might want to look it up for deeper clarification but a brief outline is where someone appears to be one thing online but isn’t what they purport to be and makes continual excuses why they won’t meet in person. The name comes from a docu/film of the same title, in case you haven’t seen it, I will say no more.

But you have the gist. Someone who strings you along online but refuses to meet you.

And cuckolding, again if you’re not familiar with the term it is an archaic word used to describe husbands whose wives are cheating on them. In modern terms it is used to describe a guy who wants a loving relationship but also gets aroused at the thought of their partner being with other men. He wants her to sleep with other guys and tell him about it in detail. And in some cases watch or be made to watch. He stays faithful, but he wants his partner to sleep with others, for his delectation.

Again, you might want to look that up if that wasn’t sufficient info or you could read this super hot piece I wrote about it? I’m sure it has many guises and rules to be ironed out. But essentially that’s about all you need to know to continue reading here about my experiences.

 

So, I’m single and I hate it, no shocker there. And equally of no surprise I am on Tinder and OkCupid. It was the latter which threw the cuckold my way. He was attractive, fit and seemed relatively like he had his shit together. All traits I like. But his opener started with him putting his cards on the table and stating outright that this is what he was looking for. I was not put off. I’m afraid I have different barometers of what is ok and isn’t and I don’t subscribe to the fairytale notion that all great relationships are black and white and look the same for everyone. I was willing to listen to what he was looking for.

And as predicted he was seeking someone who was open to the idea; where he would be faithful but I would sleep with other people and tell him about it. We would have a fulfilling sex life but in addition to that he would need me to sleep with other guys and detail it to him afterwards. Just sex, no emotions, I would be emotionally faithful to him. I told him I was aware of the concept and knew some people who were into it, I was not shocked. But I added, that while this wasn’t a hurdle for me, other things might be. This we disagreed on.

See, he was a bit older than me and I think not used to the immediacy of my openness to it. Which is why I assumed he was so adamant that it was a bigger deal than I did.  But from my point of view? I can understand it, I can see how it would be hot. I would get the loving, caring relationship with great sex but as an extra I get to sleep with other guys? I want to state categorically that this is NOT something that I need. I am very faithful and have never cheated on nor was ever tempted to cheat on anyone; I’m a monogamist. But I could see myself being able to accommodate this kink, and kink it is. And I even had the guy in mind. I could get my wish, a fulfilling relationship, and at the same time get to still sleep with someone I enjoyed. That seemed like something that I could do. Ok, maybe not forever but I think I could definitely entertain it?  I could give it a shot?

I had the picture in my mind: being wined and dined properly by a partner, then occasionally fucking my lover and getting to TALK to my partner about it? Detailing every sordid little bit of it? Regaling him of what I did with another man so we could both get off on it? Yup, I had no trouble understanding how that could be hot for all concerned. It’s not anything that I need, but I could accommodate it. And so I said so.

 

But again just so we are crystal clear here; I would be doing it for him. I don’t need multiple partners, I want only one person, and as fabulous as some of my partners have been in the past, I am harbouring no underlying feelings for them. In fact I truly hope that they can be toppled from their podiums. because that would mean that the best sex is yet to come, and not behind me.

Anyway.

 

But I returned to my original point, this wasn’t a deal breaker or a stumbling block of insurmountable proportions. What was a bigger issue for me was the fact that he was divorced with 3 kids. T H R E E.

That’s a feck load of kids. And it meant that there would be 4 people ahead of me in the priority line, because you’re an eejit if you don’t think that the ex-wife and any stunt she could pull wouldn’t be next in the order. I would be fifth. Fifth in line for attention or priority and they are terrible odds. Sure that’s almost as bad as where I grew up. And those odds never landed in my favour. Yeah, yeah my parents are lovely and decent but growing up in a house with 4 kids and a dog means you had to be dying to ever get pole position. I have been very vocal about how I feel this has shaped me as an adult; I am fiercely independent, low maintenance and very unlikely to ask for help. BUT and it’s a huge one, as self-sufficient as I am, I know in my heart that what I want is the feeling that I am a priority to someone. Just one person. I want to think that I am the most important person to someone, because I don’t think I have ever felt that. And ironically that wouldn’t manifest itself in me needing anything or changing who I am, I just want the luxury of the knowledge that I am No.1 for someone. I’m not looking to be saved or rescued or to fall apart, I just want to have it in my back pocket that they would put me first. I even doubt that I would ever cash it in; ask them to drop everything and help me.

 

So that was my issue, I knew that this would never be a true love, or even a big love or anything lifelong. And I said it in not so many words. This he quite rightly brushed aside and didn’t address – because what could he say to that? It was true and he couldn’t change it and thankfully he didn’t try. I gave him points for that. And we moved on, sort of.

I felt like I had addressed his needs, indicated that I was ok with them, even went so far as to tell him how I could accommodate them, and yet… there was no reciprocity. All the chat went back to his needs, how it would play out, how I could serve them. There was no questions about me, or what I liked or even what it was I might like in bed…. No interest was shown in that. Again, I think I showed patience and when he gave me his number I texted and suggested we meet up and see if there’s any chemistry, you know, and take it from there?

I was still on for this, he lived in Dublin and was into filthy sex and rugby, that was enough potential for me. He responded to that text positively and said he was busy, maybe next week. I won’t pretend that I was less than impressed with that luke warm response but ok, it was Wednesday maybe he was busy and had plans (but he could have named a day for the following week?).

The weekend came and went, not a peep out of him so by the following Wednesday I thought I’d give it one last shot. I jokingly messaged that he was bombarding me with texts and needed to calm down. He responded and yet there was still no mention of us meeting up for drinks, again the convo turned to him asking me about my other lovers. Well, I’d had enough. That was the end for me.

 

The issue wasn’t that he wanted me to fuck other guys, or that he was divorced and had a litter of kids, the real issue was that he was all about himself. Literally any questions about me that he deigned to ask all came back to how I would be suitable to serve his kink. And ok, to some it might be a major issue and one that you would really want bedded down before you invested any time, or indeed met someone, but I really feel like I covered that off. I even mentioned the very lover I thought would fit the bill and why. And yet still he wanted more from me to convince him –  yet was making no effort to try to meet?

Incredulous.

So that was the end of the cuckold. I wish him well.

 

The catfish…? I’m somewhat more reluctant to get into this one, I feel it doesn’t show me or my gullibility in a great light. But I’ve brought it up now so I suppose a brief outline is warranted.

*cringes so hard typing this.

It’s been 2 years. Well almost 2. It was December 2013 when he first contacted me. (seriously, this is excruciating to type) There was no real connection, it was sporadic contact. Which tailed off eventually. But then, and I’m not sure how, it became more frequent, I thought nothing of it but it became more fun, I liked the contact. Even though it was from a fake email address – not his real name, even though I knew his real name. Then it was phone calls, which were so easy. But somehow the meet up was always fobbed off. I grew tired of this and cut contact. And months would go by like this, then I would hear from him, sometimes I’d respond, sometimes I wouldn’t. Then I started seeing someone, told him I’d no more interest, then he started seeing someone, I asked why he still had interest? Surely his gf wouldn’t be impressed with this. And again I got exasperated and asked him not to contact me, and yet he does. Always with some weird explanation of how he wants to meet but can’t? And through all of this, I’ve never been able to shake the sense that if he was who he purported to be, I think I’d be quite into it.

And at the same time not being able to shake the notion of, what is this catfish getting from continuing to contact me? Why is he still bothering to goad me?

Sigh, I have no idea. But I no longer respond. Even when I’m in a bad mood. (not true, I responded the other day and I am still delighted with myself for saying this: The deficit of your credibility is akin to Ireland’s national debt. I’ve had no response you’ll not be surprised to hear)

 

And then in the same week, we had the guy who cancelled on me cos his granny died. My own mother could tell me my own grandmother died and I’d struggle to believe it. He coulda done better than that…. I think I’d have preferred if he’d said ‘My dog ate my homework’. In fact, I’m gonna use that the next time I have reason to cancel on someone.

So, I’m taking a dating break. I’m shaking my head so much that I’m gonna give myself shaken baby syndrome. It has to be back to old fashioned getting drunk and being chatted up. If anyone wants me I’ll be at the bar.

 

I’ll see you all there.

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