The State of Your Dating Profile

I get a lot of mail, most of it pleasant and some of it actually delightful. I get contacted by guys for loads of reasons but mostly advice. Or Abbi does.

Sometimes I get asked too. A recent suitor on OkCupid who was way below my age threshold asked me for feedback. I was unsure if I could give any, I replied, seeing as I wouldn’t consider myself the target audience. He countered that no one was the target audience as it didn’t seem to be working on anyone, and any advice he could get from a bona fide girl had to be better than none.

While I can’t argue with that, I was less than enthused, he wanted me to go through his profile and tell him where he was going wrong. And while pointing out a strangers flaws might seem like great craic, I was about to waste a whole load of time for what?

But I’m sound so I did it. And what do you think I got in return? He ignored all my suggestions and suggested reasons why he had stated what he did or included the photos that he did. I magnanimously admitted that I could see his logic but assured him that it was indeed false. He insisted.

So eventually I left him to it.

Why bother asking for advice when you have no intention of listening to any of it?

 

Anyway, here are a few things that generally girls think are lame on guys dating profiles. (Ok, me, just this one girl)

 

You in a photo with a hot model who looks uncomfortable. How are you all getting access to these girls? Or even you with a hot female friend, this does not create desire or suggest social validation. It just annoys us and we can’t picture ourselves in the scene if you’ve already filled it with someone else. Especially if that other girl looks nothing like us. Think about it, do you want to see a hot dude in the pics with the girls you’re trying to match with?

 

Next off, you in group shots. It really isn’t that hard to crop a photo, the function exists on EVERY phone and on EVERY app that you’re trying to load them to. Once again it does not display social validity it just annoys us that we can’t pick you out.

 

You on, in, near or next to a motorbike or car that clearly isn’t yours. What do you think that says about you? Don’t answer, I don’t care, but I can tell you that it seems lame to most girls. Oh Here’s this thing that I don’t own but I’m pretending that I do. Really guys, you might as well be sitting on a Bob the Builder coin operated one in a shopping centre as far as we’re concerned.

 

Pictures where you’re hiding your face. Why would you do that? It’s not clever or mysterious. It’s just annoying. And subliminally it sends the message that you think your face isn’t that great.

This applies to ski gear, balaclavas, costumes or anything that hides over 50% over your head. It’s not showing you up to be some kinda gas ticket.

 

Photos of you with kids. Admit it, what are these doing here. Honestly, why are you including shots of you with kids? There’s a reason even if you’re not conscious of it. If they’re your kids then we’re thinking it’s pretty awful to be putting them on a dating website. If they’re not yours then you definitely shouldn’t be using their image on a dating website. And we don’t need a pic of you with a kid to tell us you’re ‘sensitive’ or boyfriend material. It only works when we see it in real life.

 

And for the love of jesus don’t open with:

Hey

Hi

Hello Gorgeous, hello sexy, Hot stuff or any of the like

Kiss, wink, smiley face, love heart

And don’t open with asking to marry me – surprisingly it’s not as original as you think. And certainly not as charming.

 

Please don’t say ‘Wow, you’re stunning and I just wanted to say so’. It isn’t the big compliment that you think it is. What it actually translates to is: I haven’t read anything on your profile and I’m chancing my arm. I don’t care about anything except that I think that you’re hot. Or, we’re just thinking that you’re throwing as much shit out there and just seeing what sticks.

It’s not offensive, it’s just not that likely to garner much success for you.

 

Don’t ask how is the site treating you. Who gives a shit! So what, how it’s going, let’s not draw attention to the fact we’re on a dating website talking to loads of other suitors – it’s terrible and great at different times. And talking about other dates is not a great conversation starter. Or indeed a rapport generator.

 

Don’t ignore any out and out hard limits. You know the message that goes like this ‘Hey I know your profile said you weren’t looking for [insert any reason at all] but I just thought I’d say HI anyway’. What impression do you think this gives us? That it’s so flattering that you found us so attractive that you were willing to blatantly ignore our explicit requests? This is not flattering, this is telling us you couldn’t give a fuck about what we think or need.

 

And definitely don’t ever ask what a girl like me is doing on a dating site, or how come I’m single. I’m here for the same fecking reason you are, you dope. Because I haven’t met the right person yet.

 

 

And there you have it, my top tips for dating sites. Mostly if I suppose you are just trying to attract me to you!

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