Wanna Have Sex With Me? – Here’s how

(Ok, not literally how to have sex with me but figuratively)

The difference between being so sound and being a dickhead is the difference between getting laid and not.

There are so many areas in which to be sound when it comes to dating and sex, so many tiny, easy ways – which in turn give way to so many ways to be a dickhead.

If you’re dating and having sex there’s no way round it, you have to be using condoms or some other prophylactic. Let’s go with the example of condoms as they are the most prevalent. What can I say that will make you forget that they don’t feel quite as good as skin on skin? Well nothing of course, there is nothing I or anyone else can say that will make you forget that there is a nicer option. But like all necessary evils they’re there to serve a pretty big purpose and complaining about them won’t make them any more unnecessary.

This should be a given.

This should not be a battle.

 

No one is going to argue that they are sexy. No one is going to argue that they add a sexy dimension to any activities (although I’m sure there must be condom fetishes?) because they don’t. Not only do they stop things when they are getting steamy, they are a passion killer if you think about why you’re using them; possibility of contracting a disease or worse, getting pregnant. Neither of which are thoughts that are likely to add to anyone’s arousal. (Unless of course you are actually trying to get pregnant or indeed catch a disease?)

 

We all get this. We all know that it’s so much sexier if you don’t have to think about this. If you can take it out of one place and put it in another without having to stop to roll a condom on or take it off. We all know that condoms taste disgusting and trying to go from vagina to mouth with one on isn’t terribly pleasant.

I’m not here to argue that sex with condoms is a more pleasant experience. No one is.

 

And yet, we still have guys rolling out the same old argument when they don’t want to use them. As if everything I just said above was never said to us before and we were oblivious to their discomfort. As if condoms were this thing we enjoyed inflicting on them while blissfully unaware of their unpopularity. Admittedly condoms aren’t going to stop us being wet in the same way they might murder an erection but they aren’t great for us either.

 

So, when you want to use any of the above as an excuse not to use them, no matter how eloquently, what you’re actually saying is: I don’t care about your sexual health and pregnancy isn’t my problem. Because that’s what I hear.

If you are an adult (let’s say 21) and having sex for a few years then there is no excuse not to be able to use them either. I’m sure it takes practise but why not put the practise in? What’s that? Oh you’ve been in a relationship for a while and you’ve gotten used to sex without them? Ok, everyone gets out of practise, we’ll help you get hard every time you lose it. This is not a valid excuse that’s going to fly either.

 

There are loads of things we don’t want to do. The washing up, paying rent, paying taxes, but being an adult means we realise they have to be done for good reasons; we need clean dishes, we need somewhere to live and as a society we need schools and hospitals. So we get on with it. We have to be nice to colleagues we don’t like, we have to be nice to family members we don’t like, there are literally millions of things people have to do that we don’t want to but we get on with it, we accept that if we want the nice thing we have to do the hard bit to get to it.

 

And complaining about it is so terminally unsexy. It really is.

 

 

At the start of the year I had just two single friends, ones who are out on the dating scene and facing the trials and tribulations of that. Now there is only one, and me and her swap stories and pics – if you’ve sent me one, it’s guaranteed I’ve shown it to her. (Actually I’ve probably shown it to all my friends)

Recently she got chatting to someone at the same time I did. We were comparing notes – and this time neither of us had happened upon the other’s suitor (a common problem for us, we’re similar in tastes and are outgoing in the same spheres, we’re good friends after all, and we are frequently matched with the same guys). As the note-comparing went on we decided that we weren’t too sure about her beau, there were warning signs. While I had gotten a rather impressive dick pic from the guy I was chatting to. This is relevant as both she and I had two stratospherically different conversations, with the respective boys, about condoms.

 

 

I’m not sure how hers started but it was mid rant when she began relaying it to me. This guy, who she’d never met, was trying to woo her but was making his case for them not using condoms – straight off the bat, this was his opening position. Trotting out all the old favourites as if they were his grand discovery and that his way of explaining would make her see the light.

My friend is poly amorous and is seeing a few people and even when this was explained he swatted that away with the argument that while he was cool with that he would be expecting her to use condoms with other people but not with him. I am almost incredulous at this guy’s audacity and it screams ‘I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYONE’S SEXUAL HEALTH’ and also I don’t care about anyone’s needs but mine.

We are collectively more than a little disgusted with this character.

 

It smacks so hard of toys out of the pram; I can’t have it my way so I will have it no way at all. He argued that he wouldn’t have sex with anyone as he’d rather do it without condoms and wait til the partner was trusted. Oh really? He’d rather pass up on so many possible experiences? He’d happily eschew any number of potentially great encounters? Just because he wants it his way? Again this is unfathomably unattractive.

Interestingly he claimed that sex with condoms bored him as it made things too linear. Mother of divine Jesus have you ever heard the like? He can have points for that.

(We have our suspicions that his violent aversion to them is rooted in an inability to use them successfully, not that he needed another nail in his attractiveness coffin)

 

Well she gave him enough rope to hang himself and he duly did.

 

 

Now in stark contrast to that, and happening at almost the exact same time, I was having my own condom convo. As previously mentioned (and I promise it’s relevant) I’d been sent a few rather impressive dick pics. There was no getting around it, it was pretty fecking huge, and particularly girthy (I know, that’s not a word). As also mentioned in previous posts, I’ve had my fair share of impressive dicks and with that comes some extra condom knowledge. While all the people in the world can fill condoms with water and drop them on their heads or put them on their feet, and put it on YouTube– that just displays how much they can stretch. This doesn’t convey how comfortable they are. And having had a conversation (with the same girlfriend actually) she reminded me that larger guys really should be using larger condoms. So I messaged him and asked did he use some particular brand of large condom as I only had regular ones. He was swift to respond and said that he always used ordinary ones and they were no problem.
Straight away engaging in a conversation where he’s demonstrating no issues with condoms is a hundred points scored for him. I tell him that I think, from the pics he’s sent that maybe he might be more comfortable with larger ones. He immediately is amused with this and sets off to have a conversation in Boots that’s probably going to be quite enjoyable.

Again. No argument, no hesitation, no fear – handed an idea and he ran with it. Just so god damned attractive. I can’t even explain how much it turned me on.

 

A couple of hours later I heard from him, he had indeed had an amusing encounter in the pharmacy and was now excited to try them. And then he said the thing that put me over the edge; ‘I think I’ll have a posh wank to try these out before I see you tomorrow’. SWOON!!!!

He took the suggestion, did something about it and now was going to make sure there were going to be no teething problems with them when we did meet up? This my dear people is text book how I would want things to go.

 

He sent me some pics as he did it and this sent me to go get myself off also. A cock that can stay hard in the face of condoms; so much of a turn on. It displays the opposite attitude to that of our prophylactic averse chum, that this guy did care about sexual health and contraception and that it was a matter for both of us.

So. Fucking. Sexy.

 

 

And the result? Well my suitor got to have sex with me and hers got blocked. Instead of having a great time with a super cool girl he got nothing – and will probably continue to get nothing if he maintains this stance.

 

 

 

 

Oh and the verdict on the condoms? He said they were far more comfortable – game changingly so.

 

Here I am just making the world better, one dick at a time!

Sex Prep Diary

Planners Gonna Plan

 

I say this all the time because I love planning, I love organising and I love having something to look forward to. And I can control that by being the one who plans and gives myself something to look forward to. I’m not likely to sit around waiting to be invited to something, I’m more likely to do the inviting. (most of the time, there are of course whole weekends when I’m sitting on the couch in my underwear doing fuck all and talking to no one)

I’m also not someone who won’t commit because actually I’m waiting for a better offer. If you ask me to do something that I am into doing I have no issues agreeing to it weeks in advance, no panic with that. Again, assuming that it is something that I am into doing with someone I like and not something shitty (i.e. do not ask me to a wedding, I’m never gonna jump at that. Or indeed a child’s birthday party – hard pass every time)

But sex? Yup, I’ll happily sign up to that. And if you’re fucking me I hope you feel happy about that too, and that it’s something that you are into.

Last Friday I asked him what he’d be doing today (the following Friday) Why the fuck were you asking so early I hear you say? Well I work 9 to 5 Monday to Friday and frequently longer than that. I also rent my house on Airbnb some weekends, so I don’t have the use of it. Other weekends I am home to see my parents on the other side of the country. The point is I am busy, I have commitments and, like every one of you, my weekends are precious and I don’t like to leave them to chance. If I know I have a free one, no obligations, no travelling, no guests – then I definitely want to see if I can have sex

So last Friday I realised that I had a free weekend looming and it was not going to be left to chance. I sent the message and he responded swiftly. Of course he could make himself available. And the sex prep began. I had 6 days to organise a sex session, six days to wind myself up. Six days to get excited.

 

I need to choose underwear, pick toys, get waxed, have a pedicure, buy booze, stock up on condoms and see if I can stop my period from happening. I don’t mind sex when I have my period, I enjoy it immensely but given the choice I’d rather not have it, and if I am given time to plan these things then I can certainly see about postponing it.

 

A week is the perfect amount of time to get everything aligned. To make sure that everything is as I would want it. I have blocked my diary so I can legitimately decline any further offers, I have time to get a wax appointment and have the requisite 24 hours recovery time.

And all the other myriad little things that I do that no one probably notices but which make me feel prepared, ready and less distracted.

 

Spontaneous is great but also, fuck spontaneous, give me anticipation! A long, delicious week full of it, until I am about to fucking detonate.

 

And I am about to go right off.

Who Owns My Sexual Agency?

I got a lot of abuse this weekend – uninvited, unwelcome and quite aggressive. Surprising too as this guy was trying to woo me on a dating site.

It got me thinking about my own sexual agency, the things I’ve done, the people who know about it, the pictures I post and the complicated relationship I think all girls have with their sexuality and who owns it.

 

But we’ll go back to this guy and explain what happened there because dating apps are a good place to start. For one, they are how over 40% of all relationships start now (don’t ask me I can’t find the link to those stats but I did read it somewhere) and they are the internet so they are a breeding ground for abuse for women.

I think I’ve detailed on twitter a lot of the sleazy opening lines that have come my way. Those aren’t the worst, they are bemusing at the most, disheartening at the worst. But then there are the insistent ones; the ones that send you one message and then a quick succession of more when you don’t respond. Ones like ‘Hey, I saw you looking, come say hi’ or ‘Are you not going to be polite?’ insert two more identikit messages and then the final ‘Ah you’re all talk’  or my all time fav ‘You’re probably a man’.

 

How lovely.

 

First off, I don’t owe you an answer. And I don’t owe you a response.

 

Then you have the guys who look through your profile, see that you’re pretty sex positive and assume you are for sale, will sleep with anyone and can be bought with a cursory ‘Hey, so you like sex, let’s fuck’. And then move on to being super shocked when you don’t jump at this opportunity.

Or the ones who look at your photo, see one where you’re on holiday, in summer clothes and feel that it’s ok to tell you that you’d attract less dickheads if you weren’t showing it all off. Then tells you that you have great tits.

I promise you that this was said to me, in the year 2016. By a guy who, as it turns out, was ‘only being helpful’ and was surprised when I told him I didn’t need his critique of my pics and I was obviously not for his consumption so he should jog on.

 

I hate my body a lot of the time but I’m not ashamed of it. And on the days that I do wear something revealing I will own it. It is my body and I will show it or hide it as I see fit and this is not a statement on my character or moral fibre. Why random, strange guys feel this proprietorial ownership over my body I will never cease to be annoyed with.

But on the plus side, it does helpfully sometimes separate the chaff from the wheat when they show themselves up like that.

 

But it seems that having that pic where I am laughing at something so glorious, wearing a vest and shorts on holiday – basically showing a bit of flesh, along with my profile that doesn’t hide my sexuality, is somehow an invitation to abuse. I have asked for it, so I have been told. I have brought this on myself by being too open and for daring to have the audacity to be into sex and not be ashamed of it. I’m supposed to hide it, only be coaxed into it? Not revel in it?

But if I liked sex why do I not sleep with you just cos you asked?

 

Which brings me to the oh so lovely messages that I received this weekend. For a tiny bit of context – I am a bad person, I sometimes answer cretins when I’m in a bad mood just to see how far it will go, or worse …. So I can tell you guys about it. And this weekend, I was under quite a bit of pressure so I might have fed the troll. As I said, I’m a bad person.

 

His opener wasn’t too terrible if it did focus solely on my appearance: Hi Abbi, I’m Mark from [suburb of Dublin]. I do [some type of job]. How are you, love your leather trousers, very rock chick.

Not the worst, not the best. I’ve corrected the spelling and grammar mistakes because I’m not able to reproduce them. Also, I wasn’t wearing leather trousers in any of my pics…?

 

So, exactly 32 minutes later he gets arsey because I haven’t responded and says: Thanks for the answer Abbi. I was being friendly.

 

Yeah it sure sounds like it pal. You sound about as friendly as a burglar hiding in my bathroom.

But I’m irked and annoyed at external things and not in the mood to be bullied so I’m afraid I responded to this message telling him he wasn’t owed a response from anyone, but as our match was such a low score that was the reason.

But sure, you can’t reason with the unreasonable. Because as they say, you can’t play chess with pigeons; they knock over the pieces, shit on the board and then strut around like they won. Which is exactly what he did.

 

His next move was to predictably quote the ‘you don’t go by these percentages’. Yes I do buddy, they’re there for a reason and they are quite an effective barometer of compatibility. But he then had a dig at me saying I probably put a lot of faith in star signs too.

(For the record I don’t read star signs, I believe in science.) He ends it with the passive aggressive confirmation that I don’t owe him anything and reiterating that he was sorry for being friendly.

Can you imagine what this guy’s interpretation of unfriendly is?

Can you even fathom it?

 

But he keeps going, he’s obviously forensically going through my profile now, looking for anything to hit me with and if you want to think you can shame me with sex then I suppose you might think you have some pretty big sticks. He tells me I’m kinkier than him and in the same sentence tells me he doubts it – is this supposed to entice me?

He then declares that I’m into threesomes, not really sure where he is getting that from as I cannot see where I’ve said that?

And he finishes that message with facetiously calling me classy as it appears I’d ‘rather have the face eaten off me’. Rather than what!

But I do think I know what he is referring to. One of the questions is what would you rather do on a first date and I’ve said drinks and kissing. As that’s the truth.

 

 

He answered more questions and our match percentage goes up. He tells me it’s only falsely low because of the threesomes, again I have no idea what he is on about.

 

Then he asks about the threesomes that I “advertise” on my profile! For the love of Jebus how is this guy so obsessed with me and threesomes? And where the fuck is he getting this from?

 

And his last message, he tells me that I “take” a strap on (again, not anything that I’ve said in the profile) And asks if I have “given” it with a strap on. Now, if he’d read anything what he might have read was that I have used one. He made his own assumptions as to what way I did. (spoiler alert in case you haven’t read this blog before, I have been the one wearing and doing the fucking)

His closing arguments are: that he still doesn’t think I’m kinkier than him and ends with: So Miss 60% are you going to say HI.

 

I think he’s on glue.

I am incredulous. Utterly speechless at this guy. He abuses me, tries to shame me, speaks to me aggressively and then still thinks that I am going to engage with him? That he has a chance….?

 

 

HOW? How is this the way women are spoken to? How do guys think that this is ok? To speak to women like this online or anywhere?

What scares me is this isn’t the first time or the last time this guy has engaged with women like that. And he is somebody’s brother or friend. There is probably loads of people out there who would vouch for this guy and tell you that he is a great person.

 

You probably know someone just like him. You could be friends with him. This is what makes me so sad. For myself, for the world for other guys.

 

I know, I could block him. But I wanted to see how far he would go with it.

Why do I keep doing that?

 

 

This guy was clearly interested, and though he wanted to sleep with me he also thought that it was ok to try and shame me for my tastes? I wasn’t frightened by this guy, he didn’t have my real name or my number and it’s doubtful he’d fine me in a city of 2 million people, but it angered me so much. It infuriated me that he thought that he had some moral upper hand by trying to imply that I lacked class for being open about sex, while simultaneously trying to say he was into it too? While I don’t feel personally unsafe from this encounter I do feel unsafe that there are so many guys like that out there. With this attitude that I owe them something, that I am here to be deemed acceptable or not acceptable by their standards.

 

I grow ever more weary of humans.

 

But this isn’t the only place that it happens; where I have to be careful of who I am sexually because for some reason I am not my own sexual agent.

I post pictures of myself online. Some semi clad and some bordering on provocative. While I’ve never been abused for this, others have, and my even more conservative photos on my dating profile have seen quite a bit of abuse. For some reason, I am not allowed to be in control of my image. I am cheapening myself or selling myself. Opening myself up for abuse and inviting trouble.

Am I?

 

As I said earlier, I am not always happy with how I look, but I will keep seeking to find the good in my own image. It’s there, I know it is, but I also need a reminder. And when I see it I will capture it and share it; it is my body, my image and I am in control of that. I can’t control what you do with it or how you react to it but neither can I do that with any other aspect of life.

I know the arguments, I hear them: but you’re objectifying yourself, you’re selling yourself, you’re showing girls that they are nothing but an image. Well I refute that.

I’m celebrating myself – on the occasions that I manage to look at myself and like what I see. And I think that is empowerment. It is ME doing this, me holding the camera and I am in charge. I don’t need anyone’s permission and I don’t need their approval.

 

This too is not an assessment on my character. It doesn’t mean that I am lacking in anything else. I show exactly what I want and nothing more. Never nipple and never no knickers. Which is my choice, some things are just for me. And my friends and my partners, not for the internet. And I won’t be coaxed or coerced into showing more.

 

It seems the world is so terrified of female sexuality. Even women want to tear it down. But that’s like turkeys voting for Christmas.

 

 

And isn’t it all fine and well for me to spout all this, safe in my little blogging ivory tower. I see the irony but let me address that for you. If you came across me in real life, I am an average girl, if we get chatting I’ll happily discuss sex if it comes up and I’m pretty open about my sex life. I’m not hiding it. If you were super extra bonus lucky, and you came across my dating profile you would see that I’m not hiding anything I’ve done, I’m pretty frank about what I like and what I’m into.

 

So why am I anonymous on there? Why is my face not in any of my pics? Good question.

Because I have a family and they didn’t sign up for this. As happy as I am with my sexual history, my parents don’t need to know about it. My corporate employer doesn’t need to know about it. But more importantly, and I hope you’ve reached this conclusion yourselves as demonstrated by the dating app story, it’s for safety. For some reason guys see a girl who’s into sex and think they have the right to expect sex, or attention or …. Something from me. I have been propositioned so many times, I’m sure every blogger has, I’m not special. But as lovely as most people are who message me, I don’t know them and I don’t know who else is out there. And as countless court rulings find; the girl was asking for it, if anything happens.

 

 

I am not asking for it. I am just asking for respect to own my own sexuality without fear. And if I want to trade on my sex stories, I damn well will.

Are You Still Turned On?

Someone asked me today what goes through my head when I’m giving a blow job.

Probably the same thing that goes through anyone’s head I imagine. Whatever goes through your head when you’re going down on a girl. But I didn’t say that, as this was a brief Twitter convo and I was at work.

So, on the off chance that what goes through my head isn’t in fact what goes through yours, or for those of you like my Twitter acquaintance who are just curious to know, here is what happens in my mind when I have a cock in my mouth.

I’m usually thinking ‘Yasss! Cock in my mouth’ in the first few seconds, followed closely by ‘God I hope he stays hard so I can play with it a little’. Then, ‘Am I doing this the way he wants?’ ‘Should I use my hands?’

‘God this tastes good’

‘I hope I’m not annoying him?’

‘Is he still into this?’

‘Does he want me to just focus on making him come?’

‘Would he rather I stopped so he could fuck me? Is that what he actually wants and is just waiting to say so?’

 

If I’m not thinking any of these things to the point of actual distraction, if I am just leisurely, languidly sucking and licking as I’d like, then invariably and I mean invariably, I get painfully aroused. I love hearing him moan, that deep guttural, back of throat sound that’s half way between breathing and a growl. I love knowing that I am making that happen. I love the noise, the words the look on his face. When I know he’s into it, I sometimes just want to stop what I’m doing and sit on it. While at the same time craving and hungry for him to fill my mouth with his come, it’s a tough choice every time.

 

But it’s also at this point that I start to think about a second him. I want a clone of the guy I’m with and I want the clone to start fucking me, slowly at first then harder.

 

Sucking cock is one of my greatest pleasures in life. I said as much, not long ago, after making a guy come. ‘Can you imagine not liking blow jobs?’

‘What? Giving or getting them?’ was his response.

And then we fell down a rabbit hole that led to the morality of him being in my bed at that time. But I won’t digress onto that, I can promise you it’s a story for never.

 

But back to blowjobs. What am I really, mostly thinking?

‘God this is hot, I really hope he’s thinking the same’

 

And incidentally the last blow job I gave was spectacular. Not that I’m saying my performance was but my enjoyment of it was.

It went like this:

I was on step one to getting aroused; I was under no pressure. He already knew I could make him come, there was nothing to prove here. A perfect starting position.

As I sucked and licked, dipped to the back of my throat, rubbed my lips on and off it – he stayed perfectly, gloriously hard. This increased my arousal – the fact that I was allowed to do what I liked, that he was happy to watch and that it was arousing enough for him maintain his erection even though I wasn’t doing anything consistently or rhythmically. This is one of my favourite things in existence.

 

But I wanted more I now needed him to come for me – I think he might have sensed my need as he asked where did I want him to come. This was tough as I desperately wanted to be fucked but equally wanted to have him shoot hot streams of his come into my mouth. I plumped for the mouth and savoured every second of his gloriously, growling climax.

 

I really couldn’t have enjoyed it more. And thoughts of it now will get me off.