Wanna Have Sex With Me? – Here’s how

(Ok, not literally how to have sex with me but figuratively)

The difference between being so sound and being a dickhead is the difference between getting laid and not.

There are so many areas in which to be sound when it comes to dating and sex, so many tiny, easy ways – which in turn give way to so many ways to be a dickhead.

If you’re dating and having sex there’s no way round it, you have to be using condoms or some other prophylactic. Let’s go with the example of condoms as they are the most prevalent. What can I say that will make you forget that they don’t feel quite as good as skin on skin? Well nothing of course, there is nothing I or anyone else can say that will make you forget that there is a nicer option. But like all necessary evils they’re there to serve a pretty big purpose and complaining about them won’t make them any more unnecessary.

This should be a given.

This should not be a battle.


No one is going to argue that they are sexy. No one is going to argue that they add a sexy dimension to any activities (although I’m sure there must be condom fetishes?) because they don’t. Not only do they stop things when they are getting steamy, they are a passion killer if you think about why you’re using them; possibility of contracting a disease or worse, getting pregnant. Neither of which are thoughts that are likely to add to anyone’s arousal. (Unless of course you are actually trying to get pregnant or indeed catch a disease?)


We all get this. We all know that it’s so much sexier if you don’t have to think about this. If you can take it out of one place and put it in another without having to stop to roll a condom on or take it off. We all know that condoms taste disgusting and trying to go from vagina to mouth with one on isn’t terribly pleasant.

I’m not here to argue that sex with condoms is a more pleasant experience. No one is.


And yet, we still have guys rolling out the same old argument when they don’t want to use them. As if everything I just said above was never said to us before and we were oblivious to their discomfort. As if condoms were this thing we enjoyed inflicting on them while blissfully unaware of their unpopularity. Admittedly condoms aren’t going to stop us being wet in the same way they might murder an erection but they aren’t great for us either.


So, when you want to use any of the above as an excuse not to use them, no matter how eloquently, what you’re actually saying is: I don’t care about your sexual health and pregnancy isn’t my problem. Because that’s what I hear.

If you are an adult (let’s say 21) and having sex for a few years then there is no excuse not to be able to use them either. I’m sure it takes practise but why not put the practise in? What’s that? Oh you’ve been in a relationship for a while and you’ve gotten used to sex without them? Ok, everyone gets out of practise, we’ll help you get hard every time you lose it. This is not a valid excuse that’s going to fly either.


There are loads of things we don’t want to do. The washing up, paying rent, paying taxes, but being an adult means we realise they have to be done for good reasons; we need clean dishes, we need somewhere to live and as a society we need schools and hospitals. So we get on with it. We have to be nice to colleagues we don’t like, we have to be nice to family members we don’t like, there are literally millions of things people have to do that we don’t want to but we get on with it, we accept that if we want the nice thing we have to do the hard bit to get to it.


And complaining about it is so terminally unsexy. It really is.



At the start of the year I had just two single friends, ones who are out on the dating scene and facing the trials and tribulations of that. Now there is only one, and me and her swap stories and pics – if you’ve sent me one, it’s guaranteed I’ve shown it to her. (Actually I’ve probably shown it to all my friends)

Recently she got chatting to someone at the same time I did. We were comparing notes – and this time neither of us had happened upon the other’s suitor (a common problem for us, we’re similar in tastes and are outgoing in the same spheres, we’re good friends after all, and we are frequently matched with the same guys). As the note-comparing went on we decided that we weren’t too sure about her beau, there were warning signs. While I had gotten a rather impressive dick pic from the guy I was chatting to. This is relevant as both she and I had two stratospherically different conversations, with the respective boys, about condoms.



I’m not sure how hers started but it was mid rant when she began relaying it to me. This guy, who she’d never met, was trying to woo her but was making his case for them not using condoms – straight off the bat, this was his opening position. Trotting out all the old favourites as if they were his grand discovery and that his way of explaining would make her see the light.

My friend is poly amorous and is seeing a few people and even when this was explained he swatted that away with the argument that while he was cool with that he would be expecting her to use condoms with other people but not with him. I am almost incredulous at this guy’s audacity and it screams ‘I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYONE’S SEXUAL HEALTH’ and also I don’t care about anyone’s needs but mine.

We are collectively more than a little disgusted with this character.


It smacks so hard of toys out of the pram; I can’t have it my way so I will have it no way at all. He argued that he wouldn’t have sex with anyone as he’d rather do it without condoms and wait til the partner was trusted. Oh really? He’d rather pass up on so many possible experiences? He’d happily eschew any number of potentially great encounters? Just because he wants it his way? Again this is unfathomably unattractive.

Interestingly he claimed that sex with condoms bored him as it made things too linear. Mother of divine Jesus have you ever heard the like? He can have points for that.

(We have our suspicions that his violent aversion to them is rooted in an inability to use them successfully, not that he needed another nail in his attractiveness coffin)


Well she gave him enough rope to hang himself and he duly did.



Now in stark contrast to that, and happening at almost the exact same time, I was having my own condom convo. As previously mentioned (and I promise it’s relevant) I’d been sent a few rather impressive dick pics. There was no getting around it, it was pretty fecking huge, and particularly girthy (I know, that’s not a word). As also mentioned in previous posts, I’ve had my fair share of impressive dicks and with that comes some extra condom knowledge. While all the people in the world can fill condoms with water and drop them on their heads or put them on their feet, and put it on YouTube– that just displays how much they can stretch. This doesn’t convey how comfortable they are. And having had a conversation (with the same girlfriend actually) she reminded me that larger guys really should be using larger condoms. So I messaged him and asked did he use some particular brand of large condom as I only had regular ones. He was swift to respond and said that he always used ordinary ones and they were no problem.
Straight away engaging in a conversation where he’s demonstrating no issues with condoms is a hundred points scored for him. I tell him that I think, from the pics he’s sent that maybe he might be more comfortable with larger ones. He immediately is amused with this and sets off to have a conversation in Boots that’s probably going to be quite enjoyable.

Again. No argument, no hesitation, no fear – handed an idea and he ran with it. Just so god damned attractive. I can’t even explain how much it turned me on.


A couple of hours later I heard from him, he had indeed had an amusing encounter in the pharmacy and was now excited to try them. And then he said the thing that put me over the edge; ‘I think I’ll have a posh wank to try these out before I see you tomorrow’. SWOON!!!!

He took the suggestion, did something about it and now was going to make sure there were going to be no teething problems with them when we did meet up? This my dear people is text book how I would want things to go.


He sent me some pics as he did it and this sent me to go get myself off also. A cock that can stay hard in the face of condoms; so much of a turn on. It displays the opposite attitude to that of our prophylactic averse chum, that this guy did care about sexual health and contraception and that it was a matter for both of us.

So. Fucking. Sexy.



And the result? Well my suitor got to have sex with me and hers got blocked. Instead of having a great time with a super cool girl he got nothing – and will probably continue to get nothing if he maintains this stance.





Oh and the verdict on the condoms? He said they were far more comfortable – game changingly so.


Here I am just making the world better, one dick at a time!

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