Drink isn’t my thing, neither are drugs. I’m not anti either of them, they both serve their purpose but as vices, as downfalls – neither of them are what I choose to perish on.
I’ve never had heroin. I’ve never been addicted to anything – at least not in any life altering or destroying way. But I feel like I know what that’s like. What it’s like to lose yourself in something that is sweet oblivion to whatever ails you. To have something to turn to when you want to destroy everything that weighs on your mind. To know that you can have this one thing that you can do that will stop you feeling pain for a brief respite – no matter how bad you feel afterwards, or how damaging it is to you while you continue to do it.
Sex is the vice I turn to more than anything, the one that gets me in trouble and causes the most grief. And of course is where I can lose myself; lose the worst parts of me, the bits I hate, the darkest pieces that eat away at me. I can shake them for a small while.
As with any good drug it makes the good times better and the bad times tolerable and it always solves boredom. It’s what I want, what I crave – blocking out anything that I need to obliterate. When I feel good, I want it as a celebration to heighten my joy. When I feel shit, I want it to make me feel better and distract me from whatever is causing me pain. Exactly like the very best of drugs, the ultimate vice.
Yeah, I know what heroin is like in the figurative sense. I know what it’s like to have that vice. Not just any sex, not just sex with a randomer it has to be magnificent sex, mindblowing, spectacular sex. And that tends to be with someone I’m probably not supposed to be sleeping with – not always but a good portion of the time. For whatever reason that it’s not above board; they aren’t single, I like the person more than they like me, they’ve strung me along or I’ve strung them along. And for some reason the sex was addictive.
I will call up someone I’m not supposed to see or get back in touch with someone I’m meant to leave be. Or I’ll start something new with someone – if I can’t get satisfaction from any previous beaus. One way or the other when I’m on a downward spiral the thing I will turn to, to make it better and worse is always sex.
I’m just not so interested in drink or drugs, they never wipe things away so entirely for me, they rarely have the power to make me forget, to give me a brief period of not just solace but of relief from being me. Therein lies no escape.
I don’t feel lesser when I’m having sex, I don’t feel like a failure. And when I feel like everything is wrong (even if it’s someone I shouldn’t be with) for a small time I will feel like something is right.
Even when it probably isn’t and the comedown might be hell.
It is the cure and the cause.