I know I told you all about the last time I had sex during work hours – that was great. But this is more the figurative sense; when is it ok for your sex life to cross over into your work realm. Or is it ever?
I got a LinkedIn ‘connection’ request from an old beau this week. We ceased contact over 2 years ago. And it ended civilly but not well. There has been absolutely no contact since, which to be honest I was a bit surprised about. I had held some notions that he would see the error of his ways and duly get in touch to express his contrition. Alas and thankfully, he did not. More on that anon.
So Monday morning I see a message from yet another name I don’t know ..but hold up, I do. I vaguely recognise the person’s name then who the company is! I know them too. It takes a good two minutes before I figure out it’s him (his pic is not that flattering or fair to how he actually looks)
But I have no idea what’s going on. Why would he contact me like this? What did he hope to achieve? And then I got annoyed because this really isn’t appropriate. There are only 3 reasons I can think of, why he would try to contact me on a career social media platform:
He was drunk & for some reason updating his profile
He has deleted my number but is super desperate to find me
He is genuinely trying to connect with me (because of who I work for) & thinks this is ok
1. He was drunk & for some reason updating his profile
I’m not sure about you guys but hitting up LinkedIn when I’ve had a few is not top of my things to do when I’m drunk and bored. Texting exes, check. Trolling Twitter, convincing my mates to give me a boob pic for Twitter, saying wildly inappropriate things on Twitter; check, check and extra check. But somehow, even for him, I doubt this was the case. I think this is low on the possibilities.
0.5 out of 10
2. He has deleted my number but is super desperate to find me
Again I think we might have to also add the caveat of ‘With or without alcohol’ to this. Cos either are plausible. OK, so I’m not that easy to find. Or real me isn’t. I’m not on social media and because I’m not an old person you can’t look me up in the phone book. So, if by some weird turn of fate he was trying to get back in touch…. This might be the only way?
But honestly, would anyone do that? I really doubt it. 2 out of 10
BUT would a drunk person do that… much more likely.
4 out of 10
3. He is genuinely trying to connect with me because of who I work for
This was the last thing that I considered, and only because someone on Twitter suggested it. I spend so much time feeling like a dope that I never consider myself a networking possibility for someone else.
Maybe he genuinely thought it would be a way to get an introduction to my company? Not in the area I work in, but given our respective positions, I would certainly know who he should talk to. Was he looking for those names? Did he think I would give him some introductions?
Oh God. The audacity.
I still can’t believe that someone would have the neck to contact an ex-lover looking for a favour in a business sense. Maybe a beau that they still looked on favourably, or one that it ended well with ….?
Would you do it?
I wouldn’t but I fear the plausibility here is nearing 5.5 out of 10
Where are the juicy details
I feel I should give you a brief run-down of our short lived dalliance and why I am so utterly opposed to helping this guy out. There are two sides to every story but who gives a shit you’re well aware that this is my side.
Our time together ended one Saturday morning after breakfast when he said ‘This isn’t a relationship Abbi, that’s not what this is. I’m not looking for a relationship. I have to focus on my career right now’. (I did not make that up)
For some additional background; we’d been seeing each other for a bit. Proper dates, dinner, theatre, drinks, brunch. I’d met some of his friends, he’d met some of mine. On the morning of the above statements he had brought me to a 5km race I had agreed to do with work, waited for me and brought me home again. And in case you need me to spell that out – I was happy to run the risk of him possibly meeting my colleagues and or boss. Happy because I thought we were seeing each other.
I’m not sure where I got this crazy notion that we were seeing each other. Yup, I fabricated it. In my crazy lady mind.
Add to that the fact that we had not had sex. So I’m not sure what he thought it was but it certainly wasn’t fuck buddies cos I think you have to fuck for that to be the case. (open to correction on this?)
To row back a bit
There was of course a reason why we hadn’t. We had, I thought, agreed that we were exclusive and as he wasn’t proving great with condoms and I was on the pill, we agreed to both get tested. I was tested he had to wait for an appointment and then wait again for the results. In the interim we’d been having a great time. And I thought we had loads in common; dark sense of humour, low tolerance for eejits, hatred of weddings, similar familial background. On paper it was perfect.
To say I was upset when he told me it wasn’t a relationship would be disingenuous because I really wasn’t. I was furious. Furious that he thought I would hold him back in his career, furious that he thought I wanted more than what we already did. Furious that I had waited WEEKS for his cock and was now not getting it.
But mostly furious that he didn’t think I was worth going out with. HOW FUCKING DARE HE! If he wasn’t sure about my worth then I was certainly assured of his and it was getting precisely zero more of my time.
I don’t think anyone would claim that there was any cordiality owed to him. While I’m well past what happened, I would be disinclined to acquiesce to assisting him.
It’s so funny how I was so initially convinced that he would get in touch, that he would realise how fucking awesome I was ….. but he didn’t. He spend so much time telling me how much he hated being single that I was sure he would miss me and get back in touch. But weeks passed and I got over it and deleted his number.
But the truth is, much like his statement that fateful morning, I don’t understand and have no idea why he would try to connect with me now. But I do feel it’s wholly inappropriate. I don’t and never did know him in a professional capacity and I don’t think it’s right that anyone should cross that line and expect a warm reception. Work and private life are delicate eco systems that shouldn’t be infected with casual acquaintances. It’s almost impossible for me to imagine infringing on anyone’s career like this. By either contacting them on their work email, or showing up on work premises or calling them on a work number. Not unless you are a serious partner – let’s say of over 2years – then I don’t think there’s any justification for it.
To be fair, he didn’t actually ring me at my desk so this is the lightest of infringements I suppose but still. It’s unprecedented.
And if it had ended better I might be more inclinded to see this in a fabourable light. But I didn’t and I don’t.
So, what will I do?
Oh I’m a dickhead who likes drama for her own amusement – I’m going to accept and see if he has anything to say. Either way it should be amusing.
But I think the sad reality is he’s probably one of those people who just likes collecting connections and there will be no more intrigue to it than that. I’ll accept and there will be no more communiation.